Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Adoption Poems Make Me Ungrateful

Update 05/20/2010. I don't remember when I originally wrote this one. This is one of the posts imported over from my old private adoption blog, the one I wrote when the only other adoption bloggers I could find were either adoptive parents, or your happy adoptive cousin.

Usually my old posts, I just let them be. But when I heard that Grown in My Heart was having an adoption poetry carnival, well, I couldn't deny the world my prose. I'm a giver like that.

Enjoy and remember, the best adoption poem, is one that starts with: "There once was a girl from Nantucket..."


God I hate adoption poems.

You know the ones. These are the ones the most clueless of friends and family members will send to your inbox. You see the subject line (Usually it begins with something like Fw: Fw: Fw: FWD: OMG Read this it’s sooooo beautiful!!!!!!!”) and your heart drops.

We have spam guard on our mailboxes. Why can’t we have glurge guard. You roll your eyes and open the email. There in the midst of a zillion


and the email addresses of a minimum of at least 20 other glurge victims, because those who forward these are too freaking stupid/careless/whatever to edit out the extraneous internet brine, is something like this gem:

Once there were two women who never knew each other.
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother.

Two different lives shaped to make you one.
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.

The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love. The second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality. The other gave you a name.
One gave you a talent. The other gave you aim.

One gave you emotions. The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile. The other dried your tears.

One sought for you a home that she could not provide.
The other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied.

And now you ask me, through your tears,
the age-old question unanswered through the years.
Heredity or environment, which are you a product of?
Neither, my darling. Neither. Just two different kinds of Love.

© Author Unknown

Are you fucking kidding me?

Author Unknown indeed. Should be © Author With Head Up Her Un-Cadence Using Ass

If I happen to receive these 24-48 hours prior to the start of my monthly period, this is usually what I send back:


Once there were two women who never knew each other.
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother.

Both got screwed, in their own special way.
And that is why, you’re neurotic today!

Over and over, both were lied to
‘Cause it’s all about
SEX, and that is taboo!

Imposed on both were standards and heartache.
But there you were, you cute little mistake!

Be a good girl. Don’t ask any questions.
Tow the party line of adoption doctrines!

And now you ask me, through your tears,
the age-old question unanswered through the years.
Heredity or environment, which are you a product of?
And I’ll tell you to wipe those tears away what are you crying about you whiny little thing will you just get over it already?
Oh my GOD do you know how boring all this adoption talk is? Jesus Christ enough already.

I know it sucks, but it works. I never get another adoption poem from them again.


24 complaints from ingrates:

Being Me January 31, 2007 at 3:03 PM  

It's beautiful. You're a poet and ya know it.

Anonymous,  January 31, 2007 at 5:58 PM  

Oh are you KIDDING? It doesn't suck! I think its awesome!

Anonymous,  January 31, 2007 at 6:00 PM  

I don't know why my name link isn't working. I'm at Going to link you now.

elizabeth January 31, 2007 at 7:33 PM  

Whenever I come across the first poem I really fight the urge to blow chunks.

Your rewrite, however, is fabulous!

Anonymous,  January 31, 2007 at 8:26 PM  

You are hilarious. I hate that song "from God's arms, to my arms, to yours"

I hate that "not grown under my heart but in my heart"....NO... YOU.... WEREN'T.....

I hate those spammy e-mails where they have some stupid story about someone who is dead and nobody knew what a saint they were until after they died.....

Ungrateful Little Bastard January 31, 2007 at 9:17 PM  

Being Me: You're too kind!! ;-)

Mia: I just saw your blog earlier this afternoon on my lunch break and was planning on doing the same

Elizabeth: Oh god me too. I really need to lose some weight though so I think I'm not going to resist the urge.

Kim: Oh now you've gone and done it. AAAAAAAA now I have that song stuck in my head! AAAAA!!! Oh yeah, those spam emails are the worst.



Possum January 31, 2007 at 9:25 PM  

LOVE your version!!
(the other made me almost puke!!)
Hugs, C.

Lizard January 31, 2007 at 10:44 PM  

I need your blog daily, you make me ROFL.

BTW, I also need a full-body glurge condom....

Doughnut January 31, 2007 at 11:00 PM  

I like the "no screens" second poem Theresa. It is the honest one....I should try that with telemarketers so they won't call back. Usually, I just hang up but that doesn't always work. I can just hear you getting a telemarketer on the line Theresa...wanting to know if you have a kid to adopt or would like to adopt one yourself....hmmm short and sweet conversation I can imagine!

Rebecca February 1, 2007 at 4:03 AM  

Theresa, Somehow I've been fortunate enough not to get one of those emails. I guess that means that everyone who knows my address knows what I think of such poems. If you haven't lived it, don't talk about it!!!! Morons. Love reading you. I suck at commenting. :) Rebecca

Ungrateful Little Bastard February 1, 2007 at 10:27 PM  

C-It is pukeworthy, isn't it?

Lee- regarding the telemarketing stuff; don't give the industry any more ideas!! ;)

Rebecca you most certainly do NOT suck at commenting!

Julie-I'm sorry you do too!


T. Laurel Sulfate February 2, 2007 at 8:03 AM  

Thank you for that. If some well-meaning ass sends me that damnable poem ONE MORE TIME...!!

Ungrateful Little Bastard February 5, 2007 at 2:47 AM  

Laurel, go ahead and send mine back with my love, will you ;)

Unknown February 5, 2007 at 1:39 PM  

I've been fortuante enough to not recieve this fwd. i think this was the first time I actually saw this manufactured BS..

Your version rocks..I'm feeling pretty ungrateful these days too..

Anonymous,  February 5, 2007 at 2:07 PM  

Not flesh of my flesh,
Nor bone of my bone,
But still, miraculously, my very own.
Never forget, for a single minute,
They didn’t grow under my heart,
But in it.

This is the one, I really hate this one the's so cheesy and scary and sometimes it gets printed on teatowels or tiles to be hung in the kitchen....BARF

Laurie (formerly known as Momseekingpeace) February 6, 2007 at 3:54 AM  

Oh that was too funny, you are hilarious, found you through Kim Kim, Welcome to blog land.

Ungrateful Little Bastard February 6, 2007 at 5:56 PM  

Oh Erika I'm SO SORRY you never got the joy of reading "Neither my darling, neither" on your very own. It's a real treat.

UGH Kim I can just see that poem on a kitchy little fridge magnet too, staring some bemused adopted kid in the face every time s/he went to get a snack. Maybe I should put it on the fridge at my adopted mom's house. She'd love that nonsense ~and~ It would make me so sick, I wouldn't be able to emotionally eat so much every time I go there!!

MSP thank you SO MUCH ;)


Andie D. February 9, 2007 at 12:16 PM  

I haven't seen this one either. Thank fucking GOD because I'd laugh, then puke, then scream.

And the "not under your heart but in it" one is BS too.


Pure genius. Thank you.

Ungrateful Little Bastard February 10, 2007 at 1:26 AM  

Andie, The laugh-puke-scream combo sounds like a really good way to loose weight.

Oh and that grown in the heart thing is a good way to induce a heart attack. I know I've enduced it on anyone whose heart I've ever gotten in ;)

Addie Pray May 30, 2010 at 4:52 PM  

How in the hell did I miss this the first time around?

Brilliant! Best adoption poem ever.

Hartley May 30, 2010 at 10:58 PM  

I sincerely laughed out loud. I am going to email your poem back to those 'happy forwarders' in my inbox ... THANK YOU. THANK YOU.


Pickel June 1, 2010 at 9:06 AM  

I'm not a big fan of those cheesy poems either. great job

Real Daughter June 11, 2010 at 11:05 AM  

I think you should put a Precious Moments orphan on it, print it out and sell it to scrapbookers. This is awesome!!!

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