Monday, February 26, 2007

Yanno, sometimes... living with an adoptee isn't easy

Thus spoke my cool husband, seconds before being hospitalized from a severe whack upside the head.

Nah, I wouldn’t do that to him. Wanted to….maybe.

Yeah babe, I do know. I live with one everyday. Me.

The idea that perhaps I could be… challenging… at times, shall we say, is a remote miniscule microscopic possibility. Of course I’m so worth any challenge, simply because my passive, aggressive, people pleasing, opinionated, dominating, submissive, please don’t leave me, I’ll leave you first you schmuck, frigid, nympho, agnostic, pagan, catholic self is always an adventure!

Is that because I’m adopted, or is it simply because I’m what’s officially classified in the DSM as a nut job?

Who knows? Not me, that’s for sure.

All I know is that outdated image of the triad is so 10 minutes ago. The triangle image of the first parents, adoptee, adoptive parents should now be updated with the times to include adoption agency, courts, adopted siblings, first siblings, ex-spouses, current spouses of ex-spouses, children, step-children, children of current spouses of ex-spouses, and last but not least, spouses. At least for mi vida loca, that is.

Here’s a better image I think:

Yeah that about sums up my relationships.

Margie over at Third Mom wrote about this brave soul who is, at least to my limited blog reading, the first I’ve seen in her category: the blogging spouse of an adoptee.

Yippee yahoo yet another voice singing out. You just can’t shut us up.

I love all these voices who are blogging their experience. As an adoptee I may not agree with what she has to say, hell sometimes I don’t even agree with what I have to say when I come back and read it later (it’s that DSM nut job thing again)… However, as someone who is NOT married to an adoptee, I think I ought to listen. And also as a blogger and a fellow human being touched (or punched) by adoption, I sure respect her for telling her story. I’ll be reading. Thanks to Margie for that link.

Oh and my cool husband is not allowed to comment on this post, if he knows what’s good for him.

9 complaints from ingrates:

Unknown February 26, 2007 at 8:54 PM  

I hate the stupid triad thing, why a stupid triad? It is nothing like a triad, your shape is closer but still no.

To clear cut for me.

Anonymous,  February 26, 2007 at 9:08 PM  

Go to what you find here:

and that might do it.

So, you're difficult to live with, huh? Why am I difficult to live with then?

Oh right, because I'm a royal bitch. [my words, not my husband's.]


Doughnut February 27, 2007 at 3:16 AM  

I wonder if husbands of adoptees sometimes feel they are walking on egg shells at times? *smile*

suz February 27, 2007 at 6:33 AM  

i have always felt and screamed that the collateral damage of adoptin (spouses, siblings, etc.) are a much needed voice. yes, collateral damage. damaged beyond the original intended victims. i have been personally DEEPLY and stronlgy affected in the marriage/relationship department by my adoption trauma. I hope some day someone somewhere realizes that adoption may make one family but it destroys at least two others at teh same time.

Anonymous,  February 27, 2007 at 6:49 AM  

There is NO triad, it's ridiculous. Sometimes I use it like others use the birth prefix but there is NO triad.

Unknown February 27, 2007 at 11:17 AM  

hee hee i like that. "punched by adoption" how bout in terms of that intensely accurate triad you have posted, i would label it "sucker punched by adoption".. and f** the DSM manual. hell if you're not in there then you're not normal - have you ever read that thing? it covers everything it could almost match to anyone.

Ungrateful Little Bastard February 27, 2007 at 7:09 PM  

I hear you Joy. Even that shape doesn't begin to touch it. I left out employers, customers, inlaws, ex-inlaws, friends, ex-friends, enemies, enemies who used to be friends....

Judy that website is a riot. I had a lot of fun with that. And Royal Bitch is the highest of the highs compliment wise. It means you tow no one's lines :)

WHADDA YA MEAN LEE??? ARE YOU IMPLYING SOMETHING ABOUT ME????? Actually that line he said was part of longer conversation we had a few months ago when I decided to start searching again. He's as supportive as he can be, but I do tend to get a wee bit maudlin when I do these searches. He had made a comment that for "some reason" this go around I seemed much less depressed. And I totally attribute that to the blogging as everyone else here has expressed in their own posts on the subject. The mailing lists are great; therapy is great; adoption books are great.. but there is just something about a long daily vent that is meant for others to read. I've got private adoption journals up the wazoo, but blogging is so different.

Suz something that I've been noticing recently is the large number of siblings who are posting on boards looking for a brother or sister given up for adoption. They find out and instead of it DESTROYING A FAMILY these adult siblings go nuts trying to find them. I've also read a tremendous deal of empathy in their posts about their sorrow for their own mother's pain. It's very interesting and I'm waiting for a barrage of sibling blogs to appear.

Kim I'm the same way. It's that language thing again. I've used it myself (even recently) out of habit or to get something across to people who I know will know what it means, but like other unnecessary language I'm trying to weed it out.

Haha Erika when I was starting the blog I was considering Punched by Adoption as a title, but Sister Joseph's "Ungrateful Little Bastard" was just too much fun.

Thank you everyone.

Possum February 28, 2007 at 12:33 AM  

I think we should tee up your husband with my husband so that they can grumble about us over a drink!!!!
I'm sure they'd be like we are - "OH THAT'S JUST HOW I FEEL" - but a lot less girly!!!!!
Your voice is a great one!!!
Hugs, Poss. xx

Doughnut February 28, 2007 at 7:28 AM  

I'd certainly be interested in seeing some of those private adoption journals but then I suppose they wouldn't be so "private" then *sigh* your blog and your humor!

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