Tuesday, March 13, 2007

I do not apologize for how I have felt; now or in the future

I have spent far too many years of my life censoring myself to make everyone happy happy happy. I censored myself to the point that when my true feelings finally did come out, they came out in a vomitus spew of hate.

I was the hip hip happy happy grateful adoptee until the realization of the motherbond I missed hit me in the face. When I couldn’t get answers to my questions, I threw anger and frustration and rage until there was nothing left inside me. When the anger and frustration and rage were not received as the expressions of pain that they truly were, I shut up and kept it all back inside again.

Happy happy joy joy. I am so grateful to be adopted and have such a great life. I am so special and chosen and lucky. I am so grateful to my natural mother for making the ultimate saintly sacrifice for my better good. I do not want to find my natural mother. Or if I do, it’s only for that most benign of reasons that makes you feel comfortable – to get my medical records.

Yadda yadda fucking yadda.

And for years that shit kept up. I’m pissed about being adopted. I don’t care that I was adopted. Why the fuck was I adopted? I am so overjoyed to be adopted.

Rage, invalidation, retreat, denial.
Lather, rinse, repeat.

It was that tattooed gangsta chick with the bullet hole scar Judy who got me started on this rant. It actually started as a response about being careful to avoid landmines but then it took a life of its own. I won’t apologize for that.

And you know, sometime, if I haven’t done so already, something I write is going to piss you the hell off. But I need for me to not censor myself anymore.

If I love my first mom, that doesn’t mean I don’t love my adoptive mom.

If I get mad at my adoptive mom, that doesn’t mean that I am somehow elevating my first mom.

If I get pissed at first moms who refuse contact, that doesn’t mean I’m pissed at all first moms.

If I get pissed at adoptive parents who post invalidating shit on the internet, that doesn’t mean I think all adoptive parents are insane baby stealers.

If I try to invoke or remember feelings I’ve had over situations I’ve experienced, in an attempt to show empathy for another’s experience, that doesn’t mean I don’t get you. On the contrary, I know fully well I don’t get it, not having your experience I’ll never fully get it.

But what it means is that I care. Even if – especially if – it comes out the wrong way. Usually, when I say the dumbest shit, that’s the stuff from the heart.

I do try and see where other people are coming from. And usually I can co-exist in peace with the most opposite of folks. Like my cool husband. If the wildly liberal PA/MA democratic agnostic lapsed catholic pagan that I am can live in peace with a moderately conservative NY republican evangelical Christian, well, then this angry adoptee can have feelings of empathy and care and hurt for first moms and adoptive moms too. And I won’t apologize for feeling that way.

I won’t apologize for feeling I have two moms.

I won’t apologize for reclaiming the childhood phrase 'my real mom' because it makes me feel real.

I won’t apologize for feeling that my adoptive mom is the first one I’d call if I had a bad day.

I won’t apologize for feeling pissed that in spite of being one of the most well-read women I have ever met, my adoptive mom has not one single adoption issue book on her bookshelves.

I won’t apologize that it’s only in my blogging that I use the terms ‘my adoptive mom’ or or 'my first mom' simply to avoid confusion in readers; that when I write ‘my adoptive mom’, or when I write 'my first mom', I am thinking ‘my mom’.

I won’t apologize for feeling pissed that my adoption feelings are the one issue I can’t be honest with her about.

And I’ll never stop hoping that people are always capable of change, and one day she’ll change, and ask me with complete and total acceptance of whatever she hears: “What does it feel to be adopted?”

I won’t apologize for feeling hurt and crying sometimes that no one registered to match with me at ISSR.

I won’t apologize for feeling hurt and crying sometimes that there is no waiver of confidentiality filed in my adoption records.

I won’t apologize for feeling hurt and crying sometimes that there are no half-brothers or sisters out there who have just found out about me and are tearing up the internet trying to find me.

And I’ll never stop hoping that it’s never to late, and one day I’ll get that email or phone call or letter.

And last but not least, I won’t apologize for feeling that I hate being adopted.

I just won’t apologize for how I feel. So if I say something that pisses you off – or actually I should change that to WHEN I say something that pisses you off, let me know. If you think I maybe need my consciousness raised, I’m all about that. And you know, if I think you’re right, then I’ll apologize for what I said – but not for what I felt.

13 complaints from ingrates:

Possum March 14, 2007 at 12:53 AM  

Noddy my head madly.
I do so love your work ULB.
You gotta keep the hope - and we'll wait together.
Biggest hugs, Poss. xx

Doughnut March 14, 2007 at 7:09 AM  

Theresa...you are sooooo real :) You've come a long way to be who you are and you have a right to your own feelings. No apology ever needed or accepted for how you feel. I enjoy your straight forward, up front expressions. I didn't think conservative christians were that forth coming though with their feelings *smile*...refreshing!

Ungrateful Little Bastard March 14, 2007 at 7:54 AM  

Thanks so much Possum, and hugs back.

haha Lee I had to edit that post a bit because it was confusing who was who in the political scheme of things. But he's pretty forth coming too... with my help of course. Actually he considers himself more middle of the road. We're both starting to meet in the middle the older we get. That age thing ;)

Anonymous,  March 14, 2007 at 10:35 AM  

Well now, that's a fantastic post, but I have to say that since I'm also somewhat narcissistic, my favorite part was this:
"that tattooed gangsta chick with the bullet hole scar Judy"


The other stuff was great too. :D

You ROCK, you crazy bastard girlfriend. Tell it like it is. No other way to do it!!

L March 14, 2007 at 11:18 AM  

I can ditto you on just about all of this.
Hey, has your non id stuff come yet? What's going on with all of that?

Unknown March 14, 2007 at 5:10 PM  

good for you. dont apologize for being the wonderful person that you are. a person can hold many different feelings and opinions. doesnt mean we have to be sorry or grateful.

Erin March 14, 2007 at 5:27 PM  

I was SO pissed off when I first read your blog. Why you may ask? Because I'm an adoptive mom and didn't want to hear that the bee would grow up in anything but happy to be adopted land. I didn't want to hear the truth that some kids aren't super thrilled with their adoptions, and miss their moms. I didn't want to know.

Yeah, thanks cause now that I know maybe I can be a better adoptive mom. Without you being the ungrateful bastard daughter of tom and funinjello herself I wouldn't even know there was an issue.

We are suppossed to miss bio parents if we aren't raised with them. We are hard wired to look for them, even as adults. I'm 27 years old and still look at italian guys in their fifties and wonder if thats my dad. Just is what it is, and it sucks somedays.

Possum March 14, 2007 at 6:57 PM  

'Just me' said.........

"We are suppossed to miss bio parents if we aren't raised with them. We are hard wired to look for them, even as adults. I'm 27 years old and still look at italian guys in their fifties and wonder if thats my dad. Just is what it is, and it sucks somedays."

Hard-wired to look for them -
Poss. xx

Ungrateful Little Bastard March 14, 2007 at 9:54 PM  

Judy this killed me. I'll tell a little story.. I was on a long boring conference call today so I sneaked over to My.yahoo.com to check my email. All I could see in the window of the "from" column was 'tattooed gan" and I though, "Oh! a new commenter!" It wasn't until I opened up the email and saw you had actually typed that as a name, that's when I lost it and burst out laughing.... forgetting that my phone wasn't on mute during the call.

Beth thanks so much for asking. The word is it can take from 6 months to a year to get a reply from them. I think a few years ago when I did it, it took about five months for them to write back.

Thank you Erika, wonderful person that YOU are too. It's pretty damn sad that sometimes though it takes us so long to realize that we don't need to be sorry for something we feel.

Just Me I had read two posts I think about your dad that you wrote (multiple times over).. and I've been mulling around about them because I wanted to have the time to write to you, but god on both of those posts I just remember being really moved. But back to your comment --I thank you for that, but also something tells me if it hadn't been me ungratefully mourning the loss of Tom and Jello-girl, it would have been someone else you read. I think some people are just so eager to learn everything there is about parenting that they are willing to read something they might not want to hear and are all the better for it. I remember when I was getting divorced, I read tons of books on kids with divorced parents. I stayed in a bad marriage for way too long because I wanted to my son to have two parents, but still, it was something that I had to do, and I had to educate myself on any way I could not make it better for my son, but keep from making it worse, if that makes sense.

And yeah Possum you're right, hard wired is the exactly fantastic thing to say.


Anonymous,  March 15, 2007 at 11:51 AM  

Living life, unapologetically, is the way it's meant to be lived.

Go on with your bad self. :)

Ungrateful Little Bastard March 15, 2007 at 9:16 PM  

Thank you MzJenna
Oh and I added Black & White to my list of books to get. Thanks for the recommendation.

Rebecca March 16, 2007 at 9:27 AM  

Theresa, Damn right! You just say whatever you want to say. You have many years of stuffing your feelings on behalf of others to make up for. (Bad punctuation, sorry.) I love this post and the message it sends. I'm actually suprised that no one ripped your head off with some of the nasty comments that have been out there lately. I almost wish they had so you could eloquently rip them a new one. :) Hugs, Rebecca

Ungrateful Little Bastard March 17, 2007 at 1:58 AM  

haha thank you Rebecca. If you'd like, I could post a fake anonymous comment that you could rip away on. There's a blog I saw once where the anonymous was really suspect to me.

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