Friday, March 16, 2007

In Telecommuting land, no one can see you cry.

I was supposed to be on the road all this month, but thankfully we’ve had some budget cuts and travel has been postponed. It’s a mixed blessing. While I hate the travel, there is something so wonderfully sterile and emotionally numbing about being on the road that can be like an addiction. Work numbs the pain. Sitting here alone in my home office during the day, that’s when the tears really come.

I’m bummed today.

I knew the blues were going to come, but that never makes it any easier.

Sometimes happy reunions make me sad. I know that’s messed up but it is what it is.

I want a happy reunion. I want someone to be looking for me.

I want somebody to take pictures of me and brag about me.

I’m not trying to hijack any recent happiness or anything, because I honestly am so incredibly full of joy for those who have reunited, but this is just how I feel right now about me. Kind of irrational and emotional. It always happens when I hear about reunions. I run on this endorphin high living vicariously through the happiness of others, but then I just fall into this incredibly unpleasant vat of self-pity.

I’m irrational and emotional with each passing year that goes by where I don’t have any matches.

Believe me; I’m not naive enough to think every reunion is a happy ending. I’ve read enough stories to know there are plenty which are anything but. But God, I want that chance. Even if it means that what is on the other end is something that’s going to make me even more depressed than I am right now, I want that chance.

This blank emptiness of knowing nothing about my birth combined with the knowledge that people who don’t know me have access to know everything about my birth is enough to entitle me to a bad day or two. Or ten thousand.

You know, something is kind of eating at me too. A memory of the conversation I had last month with the woman at court. Just one line that in retrospect has me thinking. One of her comments to me was, “they can see what they can release to you, if anything is still in there after all these years.”

I’m irritated that it’s taken me this long for a dimly lit 2 watt light bulb to go off over my head, but doesn’t this:

§ 2905. Impounding of proceedings, and access to records
(a) General Rule.-- All petitions, exhibits, reports, notes of testimony, decrees, and other papers pertaining to any proceeding under this part or former statutes relating to adoption shall be kept in the files of the courts as a permanent record thereof

mean that everything should still be in there after all these years? Yanno I’m just a dumb bastard here, but in the state of Pennsylvania, exactly how permanent is permanent supposed to be?

I’m irrational and emotional that I have not heard back from Orphan’s Court, even though I know it can take anywhere from six months to a year to get a reply. Also I’m irrational and emotional over just the phrase ‘Orphan’s Court’. Is that the most preposterous thing you’ve ever heard? Every time I think it or write it or see it all I can think is this:

And the judge looks like Mr. Bumble in my imagination too. Here's the type of response I get in my head when I ask for my adoption records:

I don’t know. I’m just blah. This lovely ice and sleet storm we’re having doesn’t make matters any better.

I am not an orphan! Adoption sucks.

I’ve gotten a few really nice emails this past week – thank you very much. If any of these people are reading this please don’t think I’m ignoring you; I’m not. I’m just really wrapped up in myself right now, and I want to be in a space when I write back to you to be one where I can really focus. I’m just in a space right now where I want to read other people’s blogs and post little short comments here and there, or vent on my own blog and post a zillion times a day. But probably this weekend I’ll write back, mmm’kay?

I’m trying to look for fun things to look forward to in order to make myself feel better. Right now I’m looking for a good tattoo artist in Long Island. I’ve been surfing around the galleries of a few of them. My cool husband has a number of tattoos, but I can’t find the card of the guy who did them. I want to get kind of a smaller training wheels tattoo first to see how I hold up to the pain. I don’t have much of a pain threshold (read: none), but I’ve always wanted to get a tattoo on my son’s 18th birthday. I’m thinking of getting a tattoo on my back in the shape of the necklace he gave me. But that would be a big job. So I’m thinking of getting a wee itty bitty one first.

But for right now, work is over. At least until my pager goes off. So I'm going to run up to the store for some smokes, make a big pot of coffee, read a few blogs, and just cry a bit.

11 complaints from ingrates:

suz March 16, 2007 at 7:23 PM  

oh, doll, I totally understand. completely. been feeling the same myself lately. i am thrilled for others. i get over joyed. i am ecstatic to be part of it. but as they babble on about how awesome their mom is, my heart sinks lower and lower. why doesnt my daughter act like that? why doesnt she want to meet me? whats wrong with me?

its very hard to push that away and not get sucked into it. i cannot make this about me. her decisions, her choices are about HER. i am frankly a very cool, lovely, funny, awesome, amazing woman. i cannot see how she could not like me or want to meet me. sooo, it takes me back to the fact that its her issue (and I feel selfish and rude to say, her loss).

i will wait here. i will be here. if/when she comes around, i will welcome her with open arms. but yeah, i totally get the blues as well.

big hugs and lots of love.

Possum March 16, 2007 at 8:09 PM  

You go ahead and have a really good cry. You're so right - I've also been trying to be upbeat and happy happy happy for all those in.....let's say......more successful reunions than my own.

Underneath lies so much raw pain. Pain that I don't want to let to the surface right now. Pain I don't have time for right now. But when the time comes - the pain will hit me like a bloody freight train - I'm sure. The pain starts to edge forward when I go to bed - when their is silence - when other things aren't distracting me. But for now - I fight the pain.

Suz said......"i am frankly a very cool, lovely, funny, awesome, amazing woman. i cannot see how she could not like me or want to meet me. sooo, it takes me back to the fact that its her issue (and I feel selfish and rude to say, her loss)." - which she is - absolutely NO arguments here!!! I love how the woman thinks!!!

These are my exact feelings about ME - (when I'm in an upbeat mood - and when I'm questioning WHY to the universe) in relation to my first mother. It's amazing that both Suz and I are on different sides of the fence - but both feeling the pain of being shut out by those we seek to have a relationship with.

The little Possum inside of me doesn't understand why my mother hasn't come looking for me - or at the very least - welcomed me with open arms.

Sometimes I feel the universe is just a little f@cked up - you know??

It hurts - it hurts really really bad.

Sending you oodles of hugs gorgeous girl.(and more chocolate when you need it!!)
Hugs, Poss. xx

Ungrateful Little Bastard March 17, 2007 at 2:49 PM  

Thank you suz. I went back this morning to read your archives again. And am hoping that turn around comes for you. Hugs and hugs back.

And thank you back goregous girl Possum. I had pizza last night so that helped ;) But I don't understand either, for you, I really don't.

And thank you MSP, thank you so much!

Anonymous,  March 17, 2007 at 5:31 PM  

This just sucks.
I think you needed to hear that.

Love ya.
ULB's Hubby

Unknown March 17, 2007 at 7:33 PM  

ok im passing the peace pipe back to ya k?

i swore i'd never get a tattoo. and go figure i now have 2.if its the first time, try getting a small one like you said. theyre over in like 20 minutes and kind of give you an idea of how it feels. be careful tho. its been really hard staying at my classy 2 and not getting more.

i have a sun/moon with faces and surrounded in sort of these flames. they were supposed to have my kids names on it. but it took 3 hours. so i said yah ill be back.
the sun is M. and the moon is Emma. i think theyre great way to commerate things that are important to us. plus i can easily hide mine.

hope u feel better. :o)


Ungrateful Little Bastard March 17, 2007 at 9:47 PM  

Thank you cool husband.

Yes Erika I've heard about how hard it is to stay under a limit from a lot of people. Which means either the pain isn't all that bad, or I'm surrounded by masochists. My nieces and stepdaughters all started with "only one, for fun" but now they've all got multiple goregous ones. My husband goes for the big jobs where he has to go back on multiple days. I think if I work up the nerve to do the small one and it goes ok, the image I have in mind for the August one will require a two visit job.

Doughnut March 18, 2007 at 7:38 AM  

Theresa....those records should be there because they are permanent. I would for a county government and we store records. There are some records that can be destroyed after a period of time but many records must be kept forever by law. At some point we will optical scan them so that we can store the records electronically rather than keeping them in paper format. It is only because there is a finite amount of space available for record storage but all the data is kept and can be printed off. I do know that Court records are permanent and if you can gain access to them, you will find original signatures on documents.

Well now that you have told us you are getting a tatoo, would love to see a picture - that is if it is in place where one can be posted!

I was in the Navy for four years and never got one although many of my shipmates did. I understand they may be able to use ink that will disappear with a laser treatment. See link:

Hope you are feeling better Theresa! (hugs)

Ungrateful Little Bastard March 18, 2007 at 11:32 AM  

Thanks Lee. We'll see what they say once they get back to me. I'll probably have the little one done on my ankle, because I heard that spot hurts a lot. So if I don't wimp out with a tiny one in a big hurt spot, then I'll know I can get a bigger one in a lesser hurt spot.

And thank you, I am feeling much better. Writing badly is the best therapy ;)

elizabeth March 19, 2007 at 1:17 AM  

Coming in late, but sorry you had a bad day. I know all too well what those are like.

Hugs to you Theresa.

Ungrateful Little Bastard March 19, 2007 at 4:54 PM  

Thank you. And hugs back. And Paris. Wishing you lots and lots of Paris.

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