Saturday, April 07, 2007

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Because it counts.

Rambling B-Dad


I'm not sure how much blogging time I'll have over this weekend, but did want to get this in.

Growing up, there was that ever present double standard for sex. The message I was taught was this: Good girls don't. Guys will try to have sex with you, but they don't really care about you. They'll leave you high and dry and talk about you behind your back afterwards. You'll be just another notch on their belt. If you 'get into trouble', they'll run out on you.

This was the message given to me about my father. If it's true or not, who knows, but the impression told remains and wounds. My mother got pregnant. My father didn't care and left her behind. All my childhood fantasies of failed, sweeping, epic dramas of star crossed lovers torn apart were a self-medicating attempt to heal a really shitty image of men.

I don't know if it's true. Maybe it it, maybe it isn't. The deafening sound of silence that has been the prevailing tune from dads of older adoptees hasn't helped.

Ungrateful rants often have pleasant outcomes. Ungrateful rants are good for the soul. I'm glad I spewed ingratitude about silent Baby Scoop Era birthdads. I'm grateful for what I read today.

Please read. And if I don't make it back here until after this whacky weekend is over, have a good one folks.

And props to abebech for triggering my ungrateful spew on birthfathers in my comments the other day. See what you did? ;)

12 complaints from ingrates:

joooodddeeeeee April 7, 2007 at 11:49 AM  

Amazing. Thanks for directing me to his blog.

For some reason pingbacks to your blog never seem to work:
http://justenjoyhim.wordpress.com/2007/04/07/father-and-child-reunion/

<3 you and your blog.

~ The tattooed gangsta whoosit now I forget the whole name. Bullet hole was in there someplace. Heh.

BethGo April 7, 2007 at 12:33 PM  

Ahh...yes the most hurtful part of closed adoption, the not knowing. I used to imagine all sorts of things about my birth too. My husband finally told me to cut it out. You don't know anything until you know it. For some reason, it helped.
Incidentally, my first father didn't know I was being relinquished until my first mother returned without a baby. He never signed anything. He was totally clueless.
We always talk of a woman's right to choose but this man (boy) had NO choice whatsoever in what happened to me. And then he died before we could ever reunite. Sucks. Sucks big I tell you.

BethGo April 7, 2007 at 12:34 PM  

Oh. That probably didn't help much did it?
Sorry.
To quote Joy once again,
I heart closed adoption.

Erika April 7, 2007 at 4:54 PM  

ya we have to remember in the adoption world not to paint everyone with the same brush.just as adoptees dont like being labelled ungrateful and birth mothers dont like being labelled trash,birth fathers are just as different as we are.
my grandfather is a birth father now reunited with my mom.i know he suffered greatly when he lost his children.

Ungrateful Little Bastard April 7, 2007 at 5:02 PM  

I believe it was Tattooed Gangsta Chick With the Bullet Hole Scar, or TGCWTBHS if you prefer.

<3 back

Actually Beth it DOES help, do not apologize, because it once again drives home the point of closed adoption.... at least for those poor misguided souls who come to me via google searching for 'poem adoption under my heart'

But I'M sorry, I honestly am. I'm a hope holding fool. Maybe this man's blog will strike a cord with another older dad, and maybe give him the push to prevent that situation in another family's life. Maybe....

Ungrateful Little Bastard April 7, 2007 at 5:20 PM  

Erika how old was he when he met your mom?

abebech April 7, 2007 at 8:21 PM  

"Maybe this man's blog will strike a cord with another older dad . . ."
Oh, I hope so.
Look what YOU did :)
And just think what he can do too.
Thanks for inviting us all into the conversation.

LeRoy Dissing April 8, 2007 at 7:55 AM  

I have noticed the absence of males in particular from any conversations involving adoption whether pro or con. They are out there but for whatever reasons this is a topic they seem to shy away from...maybe because of fear, shame, guilt or hurt...to themselves or others. A ground swell from the dads would give the adoption reform movement a big shot in the arm I think.

Erika April 8, 2007 at 2:53 PM  

They reunited in 1999, and he was 63 years old.My moms half sister was searching for her behind his back and he didnt want contact at first.My mom didnt start searching until her adoptive parents died.Her b-mother died in her forties so they never got to meet.She ended up with a sister on each side and her father.Reunion didnt gospectacular but wasnt disaster either.i think just knowing the history was so important.

Anonymous,  April 8, 2007 at 9:30 PM  

Hi!
I came across your old 360 page and followed the link here! Wow, your more pissed than I am!

I'm dealing with the same crap in the California courts. I got a court order releasing my "entire record" then the a** H**** in Social Services blacked everything out. You know I've decided that at 48 I've got a few years left in me and everytime they pull this crap I'm gonna re-petition over and over and over till I die! At least there will be a few legal eagles in California with bad backs from hauling my file back and forth. I found what's left of my family a couple years ago and just got back last month from meeting the two siblings left. Still don't know who Daddy Dearest is! Have you checked out Adoption.com? There's a bunch of use hanging out there supporting each other in our search! May not be your cup of tea but....Good luck best wishes. Jeanie from 360

Ungrateful Little Bastard April 9, 2007 at 7:07 PM  

Thanks everybody. I hope he felt validated by the warm reception!

Ungrateful Little Bastard April 9, 2007 at 7:08 PM  

Hi Jeanie thanks for dropping by. I do take a peek at the PA search boards at adoption.com and will repost when my post is a few months old and has falled down below the fold a bit.

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