Friday, April 20, 2007

A very special post for some very special BSE adoptees....

What's the smallest thing you ever saw?

Think about that for a moment before you scroll down.

Does that line ring any bells with you?

Funny thing is, it didn't with me either. No bells, no triggers, no tired old synapses firing in recognition.

When this came and I tore open the package, the reaction I had to reading it was.... nothing.

How odd.

Maybe because I have spent so many years looking for this, or even wanting to know just what the title of it was. Maybe because I freaked out so majorly when I finally did see it posted on another blog.

Or maybe it's a defense mechanism. Maybe shutting down is a way of protecting myself.

I honestly don't know. I remember LOVING this book as a child, and then HATING it with a passion when I would talk about it later. Maybe it's a delayed reaction.

It's been a few days since I got this. Between the blogger blitz and work and kids home on vacation I haven't had time to scan this first one until last night. The house was empty as my cool husband was at school and the kids were out at a party, so I had a few hours to really take a good look at this while I scanned it.

Still, no reaction. Hm. Whadda ya know?

I'll start off with this one first, and get the super secret parent's book scanned later this weekend. And that one, well, there are triggers a plenty in that.

I actually am telling just the smallest of fibs here. I did have a reaction to this book, but it wasn't in the publishing.

It was in the dedication written inside.

You see, this book was given to someone just like me. Someone tried to scribble the name off as hard as they could. We don't want that adoptive shame out there, do we? I don't know if the scribbler was the person who wrote it, or if it was scribbled off by the bookseller.

But I'll say this much. If you come across this blog and:

- If you are adopted
- If you are a girl
- If your name is Luann
- If you have a brother named Kevin
- If your dad's name was Fred
- I think you were born around 1964

Then I have your books. I got them on eBay. Drop me a note if you'd like them back, and I'll get them off to you. These are yours, and you should have them.

This below, however, is for all of us. Here it is, friends. You'll need Adobe to view it. Click here if you need to install it, it just takes a second. (Uncheck the Adobe Photoshop® Album Starter Edition before you do, unless you really want that program. It will make the download go much faster if you uncheck it.)

Looking at this, what do you think? I'm adding this to this post just as a caveat. When I first saw this book a few weeks ago, it had a powerful, strong and sudden emotional reaction for me. It has for others as well, so I want to put that out there. I found the tears I cried after seeing this for the first time incredibly validating. I felt like I was crying for the 4 year old me who loved this book, but didn't know yet the groundwork of denial and invalidation it laid down. This book is triggering for some. If my freak out over it in my prior post didn't get that across coherently, I wanted to add it again.

8 complaints from ingrates:

suz April 21, 2007 at 12:10 PM  

i cant go there today. having my own flashbacks. will read later in the week.

Doughnut April 21, 2007 at 1:00 PM  

Well the book certainly neglects the first moms/dads - like totally! Its not so much as what is said as what isn't and in their minds shouldn't ever be said or brought up. Sad!

Newlyorphaned April 21, 2007 at 4:34 PM  


Thank you! I'm afraid I had a reaction. The first one was when I read that you had downloaded the book. Sort of a JOLT!

Now I'm crying, I don't know why but I'm crying! I don't remember the story but I remember some of the pictures! It says about what I thought it said although I didn't remember that part about getting mad at each other. Interesting that they would put that in there isn't it? Guess we all know why!

I agree with Leroy on the first parents just sliding away out of the picture. Which is the whole point of the book isn't it? She gave you to these people....they bought you stuff....they're happy....don't think about HER! Yep, we got the message early on that she was gone and we shouldn't talk about her.

Lizard April 21, 2007 at 5:20 PM  

It makes me sick and creeps me out. It screams propaganda and brainwashing and , above all, dismissal of your loss.

Ungrateful Little Bastard April 21, 2007 at 6:50 PM  

((Jeanie)) I do understand the tears. When I first saw the name of the book on your blog and went searching for it after finally having the title, just seeing that grey and orange had a incredible flood of tears from me.

It is so incredible. It hurt to cry like that, but it was good too. It was as if I was crying for the little girl who loved loved loved the book, because really what little child doesn't love a book that's all about them, but the way it laid the groundwork for future dismissals. I think I'll update the post a bit with a caveat on the effect it has.

Suz, it's a hard book to look it, I'm posting it because I think it's important because SO MANY of us had this book, and a lot of people I've run across have been dieing to see it again. I think it's an important snapshot in time of what the BSE adoptees were given.

Lee, Julie - you got it. Brainwashing is what it is. I'm still oddly emotionally numb looking at it. Again, I'm not sure if it's because I had my huge cry a while back, and I can step back now and look at it from the eye of a jaded historian.. of if it is so big I'm just shutting down. Time will tell.

Newlyorphaned April 21, 2007 at 9:13 PM  

You know I went back and read it again and the part that flat, pisses me off the most is the fact that they keep refering to our MOTHERS as THE LADY! How dare they!

Ungrateful Little Bastard April 22, 2007 at 2:29 AM  

Oh there's a REASON for that Jeanie, they tell why in the parent's book. All will be revealed in due time...

Anonymous,  April 22, 2007 at 3:59 AM  

OMG I had that book too!!

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