Thursday, May 17, 2007

Do you light prayer candles for me?

On the day last month I received my blow off letter from the state of Pennsylvania saying no one registered to match with me, someone in my real family paid money to have memorial candles lit to honor my real grandparents.

Was it my mom?

Was it one of my aunts?

Was it my brother or my sister?

I don’t know.

I know for a full week memorial candles burned in their memory.

That makes me feel small and insignificant. And worthless. And forgotten.

Does anybody know about me?

I’m alive. I’m here. I exist.

I know of you. Do you know of me?

I know your streets. I know your neighborhoods.

My godson got married at your church last summer.

I don’t know what hurts more.

That they might not know about me.

Or that they know about me but don’t care.

It cost me $10 to file that registry search at the state. It cost someone in my family $10 to pay for those candles at church.

I hate adoption.

9 complaints from ingrates:

suz May 17, 2007 at 11:20 PM  

i hate it too. right along with you.
have you made contact yet? maybe if you did you can answer these questions? big hugs.

Anonymous,  May 18, 2007 at 12:48 AM  

I am with both of you. How can something that is suppose to be so good, be so painful. How can so many people cause think they have the right to deprive a minority of their own heritage.

Reading your blog makes me glad the Molly Maguires suggested my great, great grandfather leave Pennsylvania and find a new trade. At least Montana gave me a chance to find my son.

You are in my thoughts.

Doughnut May 18, 2007 at 3:20 AM know who your real grandparents are but not your real parents? I am confused as to why you would know one but not the other??? I must have missed something!

Newlyorphaned May 18, 2007 at 8:10 AM  

Hang in there! I learned that my mother wanted to look for me but was afraid she would disrupt my life. The idiot attorney told her that my aparents were not going to tell me I was adopted so she thought I wouldn't know. Then too she had problems in her own life and I'm sure was wrapped up in them. Don't assume that just because they have not searched for you that they don't wish they knew where you are. I remember well spending hours on registeries and becoming discouraged because it appeared that no one was looking for me! Had I blown that off and kept searching I might have found them before my mother passed away. A few things I've learned from searching is that the fear is worse than reality and kiddo when you find them if you don't like what you find you can walk away with your answers. Hope this helps.

Ungrateful Little Bastard May 18, 2007 at 9:03 AM  

Suz, I'm going to make contact when I'm in a better head space. As you can tell right now I'm scattered and all over the place. Also with things so busy I don't have a lot of free time. Thanks and hugs back.

Bdad I love Montana. One of my first big accounts at my job was in Montana and it was and remains my favorite. Thanks so much for your thoughts.

Lee I know my maternal family tree going back to Ireland now. My search was finalized in the beginning of this month. I don't know who my dad is but I do know who my mom is, and her parents, grandparents and great-grandparents.

Jeanie I hear that so often it amazes me, when the lawyers tell the moms that their babies aren't going to be told that they are adopted. Another one I've heard is that they were told they would be arrested or put in an insane asylum if they tried to make contact. Isn't adoption a loving option?

Doughnut May 18, 2007 at 6:50 PM  

I am just guessing that once you do make contact with your mother, dad shouldn't be so hard to find - hopefully!

elizabeth May 19, 2007 at 12:51 AM  

Theresa I'm hoping that your mother has just been afraid of "disrupting" your life (cough).

I hope she, and your whole family, welcomes you with open arms.

when you have time, I'd love to hear more about how you found info on your grand-parents and great-grandparents.

Unknown May 20, 2007 at 3:58 PM  

I lit a candle for my daughter when i was in england & the very next day i recieved snaps of her. (ok they were really bad quality snaps and she didnt look too happy)but it was somethin i guess.

dont let go of hope. sometimes its easier not to hope cause it is so damn frustrating!!

Ungrateful Little Bastard May 21, 2007 at 11:53 AM  

Elizabeth thank you so much. That's what I am counting on too. And there are some interesting things in the info I have that does give me hope. I've got the how post written so drop me a note and I'll let you know.

Yeah Erika it was something. I'm hurting she didn't look happy but I'm still celebrating inside for you that you got those pictures.


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