Tuesday, May 29, 2007

It’s so easy for real kids

I was in and out of the house a lot over the holiday weekend. I did a bit of traveling and lots and lots of errands. My cool husband was on the phone nonstop making a zillion phone calls. This is all I heard:

Hello, may I please speak with ---------? Oh hi, my name is ---------- and I’m calling from New York. I’ve been doing some genealogical research on the ------- family and was wondering if you had time to answer some questions? Ok great thanks. Does the name -------- mean anything to you? And ---------? And -------------? (combined with sounds of affirmative excitement on the other line. Our phones are loud)

Well he was my grandfather that I never met, which means you are my cousin/aunt/uncle (even more affirmative excitement on the other line)

His inbox is full of emails and pictures. He hasn’t gotten off the phone. Our voicemail has long messages from his newfound family line.

If I weren’t so grumpy I’d be happy for him.

And I am happy for him really, but it’s irritating too. I’m irritated that a few sleepless nights on Ancestry.com and Voompeople/ZabbaSearch gave him all he needed, and that he feels so comfortable picking up the phone and calling complete strangers.

And I’m jealous that he’s so accepted by them.

And I get pissed when he tells me he knows how I feel because he doesn’t, never, in a million years, know how I feel.

And then I feel petty and mean and small because he’s trying to understand.

But he never, ever could.

I read once about a mom who refused contact with her searching son. She had said he waited too long to find her, and that if it was so important he would have done it years ago instead of waiting until he was in his 50’s. That it was too hard for her to deal with now. And at first I started to try and understand her point of view, but then I was just fuck that. Isn’t that what I always do? Think about the feelings of first moms; think about the feelings of adoptive moms. It takes a real self slap upside the head to think of my own feelings.

Who knows the reasons he didn’t search until he was in his 50’s, and god knows if he wasn’t online it would have been fuck all hard to get any information at all. But all I could think was, what a double punch to the stomach. Guy probably grew up his whole primal wounded life with the bad-adopted-baby syndrome, comes out of the fog only to be denied contact because he waited too long.

Your fault you got adopted – your fault you were refused contact.

Doesn’t adoption just give you the warm, warm fuzzies?

Look at this fog picture. Isn’t it pretty? Isn’t it peaceful?

So peaceful to just walk back into it.

Please don’t leave comments asking me not to give up. I appreciate it so much but honestly you’re stuck with me. I’m just blogging out the bad stuff.

I just wish I could have some time to myself to process this. I wish for one minute I had an empty house and privacy. Talk to you later. Gotta do some laundry and then go to work.

14 complaints from ingrates:

suz May 29, 2007 at 8:30 AM  

massive hugs and love sent to you across the Sound.

Erin May 29, 2007 at 10:55 AM  

So once again I'm going to open my mouth and shove my foot in :-)

Yeah, so my husband also never met his dad growing up. When he was twenty he decided it was time. He googled (or whatever you did before google) the name, called him and they have had a great relationship ever since.

I've got this piece of paper with my fathers name and address on it. I've had it for about ten years. I've driven past his house a couple of times. It took me eight years to contact my brother and sisters. I'm chicken shit.

It pisses me off that John just picked up the phone and called. Then he says to me, You should just do it. It's easy. Easy my ass.

Anonymous,  May 29, 2007 at 11:09 AM  

Well, I don't know how it feels, so I won't say that I do. I will say that I'm sorry, because I am.

Men just like to try to fix things. Of course, that doesn't mean that a well-placed slap upside the head isn't sometimes in order.

When all else fails, go get yourself that tattoo you've been wanting. I'm nothing if not an instigator. *heh heh heh*

Anonymous,  May 29, 2007 at 11:54 AM  

Yeah, I just wanted to be alone alot too afterward, you know it just seemed exhausting to try to explain things to people who would never understand, or otherwise keep up appearances,

It didn't really seem worth the effort.

I am an introvert anyway but I know dealing with this stuffs makes me more reclusive.


Anonymous,  May 29, 2007 at 11:57 AM  

and p.s. no I don't like fog, and I get lots of it where I live, it is impossible to drive in, it lands all over your clothes and ruins your hair. It carries lots molds and things that give me bronchial infections, no the fog is overrated.

Although it is beautiful to watch it burn off

joy again

Still Born May 29, 2007 at 1:04 PM  

Someone once said to me that if searching was important I'd make time for it.


What in the flying 747 fuck are you TALKING about? Nobody else I know has to wedge in time between full time schooling, full time working full time coping, full time drinking to cope, full time self destructive behavior to cope, therapy to cope with bad choice of coping mechanisms to find someone that should have BEEN AROUND IN THE FIRST PLACE. Why the fuck do you think people are waiting until their 50’s to start searching? OH MAYBE BECAUSE WE HAVE OUR OWN LIVES NOW and as much as we’d like back what we had (or really, should have had but never did), YOU made this decision and we’re just trying not to fucking end ourselves over here so maybe YOU should have picked up the fucking phone if it was giving you such a major rash. No one stopped you from making selfish choices before, so it’s likely that no one will stop you NOW. But don’t you fucking dare get all bent out of shape when I’m a little pissed that YOU found ME because that means that, once again, I had not a bit of choice in the matter.

Oh look the FedEx guy is here.

Possum May 29, 2007 at 7:45 PM  

Sometimes I would truly like to walk back into that fog.
It looks so damn peaceful.
And yeah - the energy spent on explaining sometimes is just too much.
Sometimes I want the world to stop so I can - ya know??
Thinking of you.
Poss. xxxxx

Anonymous,  May 29, 2007 at 8:53 PM  

As adoptees we tend to put others' wishes before our own because we've been conditioned to, it was a survival tool when we were young and a difficult habit to shake.
I think we all fight feelings of insecurity too. I know I do. It's been almost a week since I sent a letter to my newly discovered half-brother, my only chance at family, and with each passing hour the urge to assume the fetal position becomes stronger. I know I may have to call him and the fear of rejection sends me into adrenaline panic overload every time I think of it.
Don't be jealous of your husband's success at getting the info he wanted. Don't we know, some people have all the luck... at least he's supportive of you. Be jealous of how he can nonchalantly pick up the phone and chat with them like old roomates. How can someone do that?
And how can someone refuse to even meet a blood relative they've never known? God, adoption can really fuck a person up.
May your family welcome you with open arms.


Heidi May 30, 2007 at 10:34 AM  

Happy for your husband.
Not much else to say without sounding like I feel sorry for myself. I love to read your blog.

Ungrateful Little Bastard May 30, 2007 at 3:32 PM  

Thanks everyone. The good thing about it is more parties. Nobody parties like my in-law's party, hands down.

Lizard May 31, 2007 at 1:30 PM  

I envy the mindset of your husband, Theresa. For me, it was so difficult to be at ease with asking those questions when it came to my natural mom's family. Despite knowing intellectually I had the right, I FELT I didn't have the right.

Thank you, American adoption culture... NOT!!!

Ungrateful Little Bastard May 31, 2007 at 5:43 PM  

Right!? But it's good because his calls bring up my own irrational shame issues that I need to work through. Yay adoption! Rah! Rah!

3rd generation adoption June 13, 2007 at 12:07 PM  

From someone who searched in the '80s before the internet was public - took three years - found them all scattered all over the f-in place. Sold everything I owned to my bgrandfather who I'd just found to buy a plane ticket to get to Guam to see my bmother - Got there and found out I had another brother - then she disappeared for 8 days and never left a note or nothin' - so let me get this straight - I'm supposed to do all this so I can suffer abandonment again? We're goofy, crazy screwed up people. People who haven't been through it will never get it and frankly, I don't care anymore. I'm in my 40s now - I have my family and everyone else can just go blow. My kids are adopted - yes I'm going to do everything I have to do to help them find their birth family in Central America when the time comes and they want to do it. It's what I've been born into. I didn't choose this freakin' life. If I had it my way, I'd have been one of the Beatles - sing a few years and then live life with everyone givin' me stuff and never have to work another day in my life. Paint stupid lookin' art and have arrogant art galleries sell it and send me money so I can go out and party some more. I don't know - all I know is that it is what it is and I had no bloody choice in how I was brought into this life, abandoned, adopted and then abandoned once again. Whatever - they'll never understand. Let 'em try - that's why we have blogs so we can all relate. Rant, rant rant.

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