Monday, May 21, 2007

Lullish Thoughts


Really, my sense of timing is just all off.

This should have been the first post I made back in the start of May. But those of you who’ve been here…. well, you know how messed up you get during this.

This is The Lull.

The Lull is a place which exists both in time and in emotion. Lull is the & sign separating Search & Reunion.

The Lull is a place where you realize everything you know is wrong. Nothing you’ve read prepares you for this, really. No amount of therapy can come near it. No matter how far you’ve come, The Lull is where you realize you’re no better than any happy ass adoptee still reveling in the pool and pony. The Lull is where you wish you were one.

The Lull is where that phrase you spouted so many times, ‘adoption is a lifelong experience’ bitch-slaps your pontificating self across the face. Because you said, it, and you believed it, but you didn’t have a clue what it meant.

The Lull is where you realize just how hard and just how long adoption sucks, and oh does it sound so good to go running away from it all. It’s so tempting to fold, to give in, to say, “This is just too much” and hide from it. To pull up the protective barrier of medical records only. Or to pull away entirely.

The Lull is where you get an address, and realize your entire life your mother lived 12.6 miles away from you. Where you find out that for one summer, you lived in your mother's neighborhood when you went to stay with a relative. That you walked right past your mother's house every single day taking your little cousin to the playground. That your cousins went to school with your younger brother and sister whom you never knew existed.

How do you get your head around this knowledge? It's too big. It's too vast. It's too empty. It's The Lull.

Being in adoptee fog is so much better than this.

And if you’re really lucky, and have been blessed and graced by the companionship of those who’ve gone before you, The Lull is where you know it’s only going to get worse. That what you think is The Lull is only bullshit, and that six months from now you’ll look back on this post and realize just how wrong you were. That there is no end to Search, no matter if Reunion comes or doesn’t.

You know that there will never be a good enough answer to the question Why? You know Why in your mind. You understand all the nuances and complexities and coercions and choicelessness of Why, but there will always be that disconnect between the brain and the heart.

To a newborn infant, there is no such thing as Why when it comes to the loss of Mother. And to the adopted adult, who was once an adopted child who was lied to again and again and again, you view every member of your adopted family with suspicion you think will never end.

How on earth, could they not know? I think I will never know the truth of what they knew. And I think I will never trust them again.

Search started sometime in the afternoon on Wednesday, October 12, 1983, in the adoption book section of the Framingham, MA library.

The Lull began on Saturday, May 5, 2007 a little after noon at my computer.

First contact has not yet been determined for a number of reasons. Most pressing is because of work and family obligations preventing me from having any alone time. But also because I’m not well right now. I don’t want to make any call in this head-space.

Because so many have asked “HOW”, I’ve made a separate post for that. I’m not feeling comfortable enough to put all the details out yet, so it’s password-protected. Eventually in time I’ll move it over here, but for now it stays where it is. If you’d like to know how now, send me an email or hit me up over at Myspace and I’ll give you the password and the link.

I’ve been a horrible neighbor in the blogosphere lately, and I’ll probably be a horrible neighbor for a time to come. I’m not feeling very good right now, so often I don’t comment because I’m afraid of saying something stupid. I’m reading you though, and I’m appreciating you very much.

Lull out.



14 complaints from ingrates:

suz May 21, 2007 at 10:32 AM  

sorry i missed you this weekend.
yes, the lull.
god, i hate adoption.

Stewie,  May 21, 2007 at 10:45 AM  

Oh that Lull. Its quite numbing, hard to make sense of which end is up. Its like being underwater and you don't know which directon to swim in to get out of it. HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS

Rebecca May 21, 2007 at 4:25 PM  

Oh T, I wish I didn't know about the Lull. It made me sick to read your post. Unfortunately, no matter how far into reunion, you don't forget the sickening rush that the answers bring. You wanted them, but life is NOT the same after you get them. I want to say congratulations and I want to say hold on for dear life. If you thought you were on a ride before, hang on. Don't be hard on yourself. You are still a GREAT neighbor. You are totally entitled to take time for you. While I know that our stories are different, I have been braving the reunion euphoria and battle for 10 years and have experience if you ever want/need someone to talk to. (I struggle to share with those who are still searching because I know a part of them is screaming at me that I should just be happy that I have what they don't.) This stage, is not easy. I think in some ways I had more expectations/hopes after I got the info than before. Please know that I am thinking of you and wishing you the very best. Don't forget to breathe. You are still you even though you know more about your mother. Much love, Rebecca

PS Heading to MySpace to find and add you.

mama2roo,  May 21, 2007 at 8:26 PM  

Seriously, you were close enough all those years to walk by the house?? Oh, my. It boggles the mind, doesn't it?

sending my best and admiring your strength.

Em

Going Back to Square One May 21, 2007 at 9:10 PM  

(((HUGS)))

My heart is breaking for you, reading this. It made my stomach hurt.

No wonder...lull away. I would.

abebech May 21, 2007 at 11:15 PM  

Theresa, I just don't know what to say. But I'm thinking of you.

Anonymous,  May 22, 2007 at 10:47 AM  

I feel your pain. When I found my b-mom I didnt wait, I called that day, and now I wish I had "lulled". I have a sister with my same name born very close to my b-day, my sons middle name turned out to be my grandfathers middle name and my b-mom lives 10 miles from my a-dad in a totally different city. Now that I know her, I cant know any other family members because they dont know I exist. So I am put back in limbo, back into lull wanting to know but not allowed to ask. God bless us all and just think, while it is amazing to you how close you were, how much more will that twist her mind to know that she should have recognized you, after all she knew you were out there and who you should look like, not the other way around. Good Luck all.

Aimee

Possum May 22, 2007 at 10:48 AM  

((((((((((((Theresa)))))))))))))
I hate the lull also.
I hate adoption too.
Here - have some chocolate.
Poss. xx

Anonymous,  May 22, 2007 at 1:59 PM  

Hi T.


I don't know if I had a lull, maybe that was when I stuffed my papers in my underwear drawer and waited.

It was a long time ago, but you know for me, nothing is worse than the fog, nothing.



Although more aspects of my fog headedness keep revealing themselves.


joy

Paula O. May 22, 2007 at 11:13 PM  

I'm thinking of you, Theresa. I can only imagine the flurry of intense and mixed emotions you are experiencing right now.

(((((Theresa)))))

fully operational battle station May 26, 2007 at 2:50 AM  

Theresa,

I don't even know what to say. I am transfixed, I must have read your post about 5 times with my mouth hanging open. Unreal.

I hope the Lull leaves you well after it's done with you. What's that place in the Dr. Suess book "Oh the Places You'll Go"?? The waiting place. Sounds somewhat like the waiting place but much much much worse.

Take care,

Jamie

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