Wednesday, May 23, 2007

MySpace YourSpace HisSpace HerSpace OurSpace.

For those of you who are a little… ahem.. older, like me, could you ever have imagined the internet the way it is now?

Who remembers FIDO: Viking Magic, Shadow’s Lair, Channel One?

...... crickets.......

OK so I’m older than most of you, but I remember them. I was there.

Search and reunion have taken on a whole new life and a whole new meaning. If the person you’re looking for is online and left a googleprint, god it’s so easy. Really, remember the old days where if you were looking for someone, you had to go to the library to look up phone books from other states?

When you read blogs, you gather little snips of people’s social networking experiences. In some ways it’s so easy now. Just a little bit of information on the person you’re thinking about, and you can build a profile around their lives, if their names are unique enough. With my family it’s tougher. Such really common names. And my mom’s name can be done in at least six variations of nicknames.

What’s my mom called? Does she go by her full name, or is it shortened? I try to meditate and think on it. I know I know it. I know I heard her called it when I was inside her. I lie down on my bed and curl into a fetal position and try to blank my mind. One nickname comes to mind, but I’m not sure. Is that really what she liked to be called back then, or is it what I want her to be called?

I google her but she’s not online anywhere I can find. She’s not on myspace in any variation of her name. And lots of women her age and in her zip code are, actually. One who looks like me quite a bit. My heart skipped a beat when I saw her, but it’s not her. The details on her children don’t match up with my brother and sister.

But again, I think everyone looks like me. When you grow up with nobody who looks like you, you become an expert in scanning faces. Seriously Homeland Security should hire only closed records adoptees to work for their face identification program. If there’s one thing we know, it’s faces.

I found a cousin on Myspace. But his profile is friends only. No one else that I can find there. Not my brother, my sister or any of my aunts. How odd. Myspace is a country, but my family seems to live apart.

I check on Eons which is kind of like a Myspace for those over 50. One profile there. In her zip code. With the nickname I think is hers. And the first six letters of her last name. No details on the profile though. No friends, no entries, not online since 2006. And such a common name, both the first name and last name. And then I think – do I really want her to be online? Because if she was online, wouldn’t she have found me?

Then I get paranoid. They all know about me. They are all reading me behind proxies so I don’t see the Pennsylvania IP addresses. None of them want me to contact them. They’re calling lawyers and arranging restraining orders as we speak to keep away the psycho cyber stalker adoptee.

It’s a blessing and a curse, connectivity. To be able to connect so easy, but the heartache when the connections don’t come.

It’s so weird to be so connected. To make it so easy to find people. Or to see who is looking for you. It’s also so weird to get so emotionally attached.

Yeah, it’s true. I met my husband on the internet because of a mistyped email address. I fell in love with him before I even knew what he looked like. How weird is that?

Not weird at all, really, when you look at it through the eyes of the past five years. I’m just old enough for it to seem odd. But also it’s a caution. I get so emotionally attached to people online. And I’m afraid of people, really.

People scare me. I allow people the opportunity to hurt me. Actually people with the capacity to hurt me the most were the ones I used to attach to the greatest. And why wouldn’t I? If someone loved you enough to leave you, then people who didn’t love you were more likely to stick around.

Treat me like dirt. I’ll love you for it. I’ll be loyal to you and defend you to the end. I’ll move mountains for you, if only you abuse me. I’ll justify you and feel sorry for you and be there for you, just please walk all over me.

Say terrible things to me. Tell me I have no common sense but you love me. Tell me I have a guilty conscious when I have a nightmare but you love me. Tell me you don’t like me but you love me. Tell me it’s a shame I have my feelings but you love me. Tell me how great you are. Tell me how noble and righteous you are that you kept your virginity until you got married. Tell me that kids who are molested bring it on themselves by being weak. Tell me that my first mother had no common sense because she gave herself away, and tell me that my first father only used her for a notch on his belt, when you didn’t even know them. Tell me how you chose me. Tell me how I grew in your heart. And then deny telling me any of those things. Gosh, you’re my best friend.

And people who were healthy? People who were whole, and healing, and there for me, and good for me? Sayonara, suckers. Not so cruelly, mind you, but in a much more pathetic way. I love you. So I’m leaving. I love you but I’m bad, I’m dirty, I’m illegitimate, I’m incompetent, so I’m leaving. I’m leaving you out of love. I don’t deserve to be around you. So I’m leaving. Because I love you.

I love you enough, to leave you.

I want you to have the very best.

So I’m leaving. It’s for the best. It’s sanctioned by God. The mother before King Solomon left her baby rather than let him be cut in half. So I’m leaving.

Love leaves.

For some kids, telling them their mom loved them so much she left them doesn't work out all that good in the end. Some like me really take it to heart.

It’s so easy and so tempting to leave. But the thing about the internet, and the point of this post before it took that left hand turn and kept on rolling, is that if you leave, you leave behind your googleprint and your connections. You were here. You existed. You connected.

When things get tough the fog looks so calm and peaceful. I’ve been sucked back into it’s Candy Mountain wonder so many times. This shit is scary and life is hectic and it’s easy to say fuck it I’m out of here.

Starting a public diary was a way of keeping me from leaving. I didn’t know this at the time, but there was a part of myself looking out for me. Get out of the mailing lists. Get out there. Connect and network and friend. Because if you leave this time, there will be a record of you.

I’m so lucky that I work from home. Sometimes I find myself sitting at the computer here with my eyes squeezed shut and my fingernails digging into my palms and my arms crossed over my heart and a grimace so tight on my face that my cheeks hurt.

That kind of behavior in an office building will get you fired, you know.

I’m so lucky that in this midst of all this, I’ve got these threads. Networks and connections and friends and googleprints. Because sometimes I find myself sitting at the computer here with my eyes squeezed shut and my fingernails digging into my palms and my arms crossed over my heart and a grimace so tight on my face that my cheeks hurt.

That kind of behavior in adoption land is considered just fine if that's what you need to do, when you’ve got friends.

So yay for blogs and online friends and f
orums with fun smileys and myspace and those who inhabit therein.

And yay as well for image macros. How would I ever get through the lull without them? Four out of five doctors agree, lolcats are clinically recommended for lull based depression.

6 complaints from ingrates:

Newlyorphaned May 23, 2007 at 9:52 PM  

I was thinking this same kind of stuff a couple of days ago! Started to put "I hate you, don't leave me" in my blast but I didn't want to have to explain it so I didn't! I've thought that by blogging I am leaving a record of who I am for someone. I think it has something to do with the minute information I found about my mother on line. Funny how adoptee's think alike isn't it? I found a bunch of info and ended up making contact due to They've got the geneology stuff all sewed up and I really hate them but...they've got these message boards which are free and there's a lot of stuff on there. Roots Web (I think it's called) will hook you in too. Give it a try you might be suprised at what you find. From there I had someone tell be about Zaba! Hang on, this is when the searching really gets rough!

Anonymous,  May 23, 2007 at 11:38 PM  

You are being so hard on yourself, you adore me, and I adore you and neither one of us shit, mmmmm kay?


Rebecca May 24, 2007 at 2:14 AM  

Please don't be afraid of me. We have so much in common. Have you tried Zabasearch? I've found several people I couldn't find any other way. Don't leave. I would really miss you. Hugs, Rebecca

PS Who would read all my crazy MySpace messages?

Ungrateful Little Bastard May 24, 2007 at 9:49 AM  

Nah I ain't going you're all stuck with me. I just blog the bad stuff out and then it doesn't have any power over me.

A combination of Voompeople and Zabbasearch is hands down the best way to get info on people for free, but you just don't get that cyberstalker thrill that Myspace, Friendster, etc. gives you.

Ancestry is awesome beyond words. My husband and I have been playing with it and our tree is massive.

I just stop goofing off and get back to work now. My productivity is in the crapper.

Gershom Kaligawa May 24, 2007 at 8:52 PM  

Theresa just sending you some love!!! you need it right now!

Being Me May 25, 2007 at 2:11 PM  

Thanks for the lolcats!!! You AMAZE me.

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