Saturday, September 08, 2007

I am sick

It's a beautiful weekend and the bulk of the tourists are gone, but I'm too sick to go outside.

All my lymph nodes are aching and I'm drop-dead tired.

I'm positive it's emotional. I've been running non-stop at work. It's a real pressure-cooker of a project with a looming deadline, and I'm claiming 60+ hours a week stressing over being perfect and making the customer love us forever and ever and ever. Sound familiar?

Even more likely, I got confirmation via a friend late Thursday night that my mom really was the person I spoke with on the phone. I think I had been holding out hope that maybe, maybe, just maybe, she wasn't the person I had spoken with at all. That maybe, maybe, just maybe, my mom was still out there someplace wishing that one day I would call her. Maybe, maybe, just maybe, she'd acknowledge me as her daughter when I did.

I think that's too sad for me to feel sad about, so right now I feel nothing. Therefore, I'm sick. I think if I could cry I'd feel better. Or even if I felt something. But right now, I'm just numb.

Or who knows. Maybe I really am sick.

I had wanted to go to Sunken Forest today, but I can't stay awake for more than 30 minutes at a time. I'm going to force myself to go tomorrow morning though, no matter how bad I feel. Being on the beach never fails to make me cry. If I could only get upset, I think I'd feel better. Also, I really, and when I say really I mean really, need the exercise.

I logged off my computer two hours early yesterday because I couldn't keep my eyes open. I meant to log back on later Friday night but I was still dragging. I had a dream about one of my natural aunts that I've been thinking of calling. I dreamt she and I were sitting on the edge of a big water fountain at a mall in Philly. We were talking about my mom and what she did to me when I called her. All I could see was the back of her head though. Then she turned to look at me and I saw she was just a teenager, just 16. I realized I was seeing her at the age she was when her older sister was pregnant with me. I remember thinking about how pretty and kind and gentle she was, and hoping she was still kind and gentle now.

I want to call her so bad, but I'm scared. She's a real kid. I'm scared of real kids. Sometimes they can be so cruel to bastards. I think I can't stand anyone being cruel to me right now. I think I'd break into a million pieces and disappear.

So tomorrow it's the beach and the forest and then the city. Out of all of it, I still look forward the most to the water taxi. I've been here for years but I still can't get over the novelty of the idea.

But for right now, I'm going back to bed. Good night.

11 complaints from ingrates:

Unknown September 8, 2007 at 4:19 PM  

sounds like your suffering from burn out. it happens when we work too hard coupled with the emotional stress we carry.

i hope you take good care of yourself.



Gershom Kaligawa September 8, 2007 at 5:44 PM  

oh girl!! you need some TLC and Kindness. Don't call her just yet, give yourself some time to heal. Real kids CAN be mean to us.... (((Theresa)))) i'm thinking of you.

Anonymous,  September 8, 2007 at 6:09 PM  

I hope you get some rest and TLC, and that you feel better soon. Take good care.

suz September 8, 2007 at 9:46 PM  

i hope you feel better soon and i do hope you eventually make that call.

Anonymous,  September 9, 2007 at 7:26 AM  

Big hugs to you T. I so understand not being able to cry and really wishing you could. I think it would be healing to cry. Maybe we should get together and whop each other over the head with a frying pan until we both cry huh? Might be slightly less painful anyway. lol

I hope you have a relaxing day today at the beach. It looks beautiful there! Sending you good thoughts.

Anonymous,  September 9, 2007 at 9:21 AM  

I hope you get better soon.


Anonymous,  September 9, 2007 at 12:44 PM  

Why don't you pack up and come down here? I could give you some of my peace and serenity? NOthing is better than being on a hill in the middle of nowhere, watching the horses, rain, and other critters wandering about.

elizabeth September 10, 2007 at 1:47 AM  


I hope you feel better soon. Sorry about the confirmation that you did indeed talk to your mother.

Thinking of you.

Anonymous,  September 10, 2007 at 5:31 PM  

Oh T. I'm sorry to hear about that confirmation, too...dammit! Hoping you feel better today. I'm the same way, I go months and months through stressful times and when they start to calm down, wham, I'm sick. Thinking of you, hope the beach helped. xoxo

Possum September 11, 2007 at 12:49 AM  

Popping in late - but always thinking of you.
I'm so sorry that you've had confirmation about your phonecall.
That sucks.
That really truly hurtfully sucks.
I'm so sorry T.
This stuff is so very unfair.
Please take care of you.
Poss. xxxx

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