Sunday, January 20, 2008

PostSecret pissed me off today

Well not PostSecret, but this one

I was lucky. 30-something (I’ve lost count) biopsies later I’m still lucky.

Why don’t they find him or her and tell them?

But a lot of times what makes me angry, are things I don’t like in myself.

Like wondering which side of the family my melanoma came from. Like wondering if it was from my mother’s side. Like wondering if my younger half siblings are at risk. Like being too fucking scared to pick up the phone and ask them.

This time last year, if anyone had said I'd be sitting on the phone numbers of my siblings and doing nothing, I'd have laughed in their face and called them a jackass.

I look at their phone numbers a lot. Sometimes I manage to dial 4 or 5 digits. But then I just put the phone down. Five months post denial, and I'm still as fragile as spun sugar. One more denial would crumble me.

So it's not the postcard that pisses me off.

It's my own cowardice.

11 complaints from ingrates:

Chris January 20, 2008 at 12:49 PM  

it's not's caution...justifiable, reasonable, calculated, self-preserving caution...i believe, having been there, a fair amount of risk aversive behavior is healthy in this game...

there will be a time; i know it

Anonymous,  January 21, 2008 at 12:55 AM  

When the time is right you will pick up the phone.


Gershom Kaligawa January 21, 2008 at 10:32 PM  

no T! Its now cowardice, its protection of YOURSELF, because nobody has protected us EVER dammit, and i'm fucking tired of it. WE are the only ones who can protect ourselves, the legal systems, the courts, the agencies, nobody protected us. And in the end, we just get pushed away. I don't blame you one bit.

Exactly, one more denial would crumble me too. Our souls can only take so much.

I remember finding a tumor in my breast, it was the scariest moment in my life. "does breast cancer run in your family" i wouldn't know.

cause no-one was thinking about US.

Anonymous,  January 22, 2008 at 2:40 AM  

it's not cowardice. it's HARD. give yourself a break... you're fantastic. ::hugs:: when you are ready, you will.

Anonymous,  January 22, 2008 at 7:12 PM  

Dear T

You are one of the bravest people I know. You are not a coward.

After the way you have been treated, I am not surprised that you are taking things slowly.

Once bit, twice shy (as they say).


Possum January 24, 2008 at 8:16 PM  

Please be kind on yourself today.
This shit is all so very hard.
Your mind is just stopping you until you a ready for that next phase.
Self preservation - I call it.
Sitting beside you my friend.
Poss. xxxx

Sunny January 25, 2008 at 7:49 PM  


All in good time. That postcard made me mad, too. xx

Chooch February 2, 2008 at 3:04 AM  

I hear your frustrations! My son just got diagnosed with the same auto immune disorder I have. It would have been nice to be able to have been not prepared for my own illness but to know if I could pass it on to my kids. The guilt I am feeling right now is enormous and understandable at the same time. Hang in there T and keep fighting.

Ungrateful Little Bastard February 3, 2008 at 7:07 PM  

Thanks Jude. That is so frustrating.

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