Monday, May 26, 2008

I couldn’t say it any better myself.

Thank you, Lori Tay, whoever, wherever you are.

Anti-adoption advocates hate infertile couples in general, seeing us as the problem. What they fail to realize is that many, many infertile couples have NO desire at all to adopt. For us, adoption would only be a VERY LAST RESORT.

That’s right, birthmothers - your child would be a last resort for us, whether you like that or not. Your child is not the great prize you may think he is. What most of us want most is our own biological child!

Thank God for advances in reproductive medicine. IVF success rates are improving all the time. I predict in the future there will be a lot fewer people adopting or fostering children, because they will be able to have their own child.

You see, this is what I’ve been saying all along.

I’m dismissed as having had a “bad adoption experience”, whatever that means. I’m dismissed by people who are not as honest as you.

I didn’t fully comprehend this truth until I really understood reproduction. Until the summer of my 13th year, that I spent living with my beautiful pregnant aunt, and was witness to the welcome, wanted and planned arrival of my beloved godson.

And the realization almost did me in.

While I fought daily with my adoptive parents, these were the parents I loved with my entire heart and soul. And the full weight of this reality, that I was their second choice, is a reality I’ve struggled with every day since.

When I first read that comment, it had such a profound effect on me that the pretty pink fog swirled up again, and I was the one ready to dismiss her. Oh that’s just a nasty person; Oh I’m so sorry they made that comment.

See? This is a forever fight – to stay awake, to stay aware, to stay unfogged. It’s exhausting; it takes up so much emotional energy.

Which is why it’s so validating to hear it from someone who wasn’t adopted.

Thank you Lori.

And thank you Lillie, for this very powerful post.

Mother is the name of God on the lips and hearts of all children.

When you are unwanted by the first, and last resort of the second, the world itself is a spiritual wasteland.

20 complaints from ingrates:

Possum May 26, 2008 at 9:06 PM  

Thank you for writing this T.
You've hit the nail squarely and painfully on the head.
Poss. xxxxxx

Anonymous,  May 26, 2008 at 9:36 PM  

That lady sounds like a miserable excuse for a human being. I'm hoping to God she never really adopts a child.

Anonymous,  May 27, 2008 at 2:21 AM  

We adopted after infertility but we didn't exhaust all our options with IF, we just felt like we were done with trying and wanted to move on to adoption.

I went through therapy before we adopted so I could work through my feelings of loss for the child that might have been and be ready for the child that would BE.

Our daughter might have been the second step on our journey to be parents but we never saw her as a last resort.

I'd be a fool to say there wasn't losses for all of us involved, it just depends on how honest you are about that.

We could have done more infertility treatments but I know we stopped at the right point because we were ready when our daughter came to us so many years ago. She is happy and healthy in an open adoption with both bio parents.

Anonymous,  May 27, 2008 at 5:42 AM  

Is adoption in general really so bad to you? Is it better if children just spend their lives in orphanages?


Ungrateful Little Bastard May 27, 2008 at 7:21 AM  

That's not the point of the post Nuri, I thought that was clear. But thank you for giving me this opportunity to lay it out better.

The point of the post is relaying how it felt as a 13 year old child, to come to the realization that the two people who were my entire world - my adoptive parents - wouldn't have known me from adam if they had been able to have their own children.

And that's a fact.

For my adoptive mother whose health I worry about daily, for my adoptive father whose death I still grieve 13 years later: I was second best. I was plan B. I was their backup contingency. I was last resort.

Anonymous,  May 27, 2008 at 8:51 AM  

And then being honest gets you comments like Nuri's. Riding in on a white horse and discrediting your experience in an attempt to feel morally superior.

Foxxy One May 27, 2008 at 2:57 PM  

I hope you don't mind me commenting on your comment but....

What was it that happened at 13 that made you feel that way?

<~~~ adoptive Mom trying like hell not to make the same mistakes other have made.

Ungrateful Little Bastard May 27, 2008 at 4:35 PM  

Hi, it's not a feeling, it's a reality. If my mother could have had her own children, she would have. There would have been no reason for her to adopt me.

Nothing happened, other than age, awareness and comprehension. I didn't fully comprehend pregnancy until that age. I knew she had "tried to get pregnant", but it wasn't until I was 13 that I had enough awareness to know what that meant.

So no mistakes, nothing to avoid, nothing to prevent.

If she could have gotten pregnant, she would have. It's as simple as that.

Anonymous,  May 28, 2008 at 12:37 AM  

What is to say if infertile women who adopt could have their own children might not have adopted anyway?

Adoption was always something we planned to consider, that's why we were content to move on to that option.

I think we've all done things that might have been able to be called a 2nd option but it turned out to be the best thing... the person who gets turned down by their top college choice but ends up having a wonderful experience at the school they attend...

I'd rather think it is the unseen force/karma/guiding hand of the universe than a 2nd choice.

I know that is just MY personal thoughts - I'm not trying to invalid yours, just offer another perspective.

littlebluecottage May 28, 2008 at 3:13 AM  

Your last sentence just shattered me because it is the stripped down truth for the adoptee in that circumstance. There are so many of us...



Anonymous,  May 28, 2008 at 9:19 AM  

@ Mia: "Riding in on a white horse and discrediting your experience in an attempt to feel morally superior"

That's me?? You don't know me at all!

If that's the impression my comment left, I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to offend anyone, and I certainly don't feel superior to anyone. I've been reading a bit of this blog and get the feeling that adoption is so wrong. But it's not the message the author wants to convey, probably.
Again, sorry if I bothered anyone, it was just an honest question.
Second best is a feeling many children might feel, adopted or not, don't you think? I was the third child and certainly not planned at all. My mother might have actually aborted, but didn't. Do I feel bad? not really. I realize I'm an accident. A loved one, though ;-)


Unknown May 28, 2008 at 10:48 AM  

Hello... I can't imagine what it feels like to be in your shoes. I, like many, can't understand what you have been through and are dealing with every second of the day. I read your blog in a hope to educate myself. I have always wanted to adopt, ever since I can remember. I can have children and have two girls. It does scare me though, that my child would have to deal with the realizations that someone out there gave her away and all of the emotions that come along with that. How does a parent help the child, that they love, deal with that??

I must say, it is refreshing to see (what I think is) your message that adoption, should not be forced on people, and should not be about making $$. The gov't should provide A LOT of education to mom's before they allow adoption or abortion. Our gov't is falling very very short in this area. However, adoption, when done correctly, can be such a blessing to everyone involved.

I don't know how to explain my feelings.. I hope I am making sense, and I course I hope I didn't accidently offend anyone.

Thanks for educating and sharing w/ us.

Ungrateful Little Bastard May 28, 2008 at 11:06 AM  

Nuri I appreciate your clarification.

Everyone at one time or another does feel second best. But this blog isn't about everyone. It's about my experiences, thoughts and opinions as an adoptee. Adopted children have the extra baggage of genetic bewilderment, along with a host of other lifelong issues of discrimination and identity upon reaching adulthood.

And yeah anon 12:27, everyone does have that second choice option for one thing or another in their life. But a second choice college doesn't love you, the way a child loves their parents. A second choice college doesn't worry about protecting your feelings. A second choice college has no emotions whatsoever.

Anonymous,  May 28, 2008 at 7:41 PM  


The people who raised me are my parents. They loved me with everything they had and supported me in whatever I tried to do.

Except that, if they COULD HAVE HAD their own biological offspring, I would NOT have been adopted by them. Period. End of story.


Anonymous,  May 29, 2008 at 11:02 AM  

I am an adoptive parent. I am interested in your opinion. I did not try to get pregnant. I probably could have. I adopted my children from foster care. I have as much information about their first families as I can get. For my oldest this is the full name and social of his mother and his original birth certificate. If he wants to find her at some point, I will help. For my two youngest, who are biologically half sibs, I have their mother's full contact information and a standing invitation for her to participate in their lives. I also have maintained a relationship with her biological aunt who does see the children. Do you think that these connections would have helped you? Are you more affected by your missing past and genetic history or being a "last resort" or not being raised by your biological family? Thank you for sharing your experiences.

Ungrateful Little Bastard May 29, 2008 at 5:24 PM  

Johannah there are so many things about adoption that bother me, it's hard for me to say what would have helped, other than not having been adopted in the first place.

On one hand definitely knowing my family of origin would have been beneficial, but at the same time once I reached the age of cognition, like around 7ish, 8ish, I would have questioned why I wasn't with *them*, what was wrong with me that they didn't want me to live with them?

Removing the corruption and coercion factor, I think maybe one of the reasons why I'm much more pro-foster care adoption is not only because these are children who honestly do need homes, but because there's no pretending. With infants it's too easy for some people to forget or minimize there was a prior family before they came into the household.

Even if the dysfunction of the prior family was the reason they were in foster care to begin with, there's still an acknowledgment of loss that I don't see recognized or honored with a lot of infant adoptions.

Again, there's just too much for me to answer, especially when I don't know the answers myself.

Anonymous,  May 30, 2008 at 3:52 AM  

"what was wrong with me that they didn't want me to live with them?"

I think that there was something wrong with the parents rather than the child. It's not that the child is not lovable, it's the mother who cannot do it. It's not your fault, and it seems to me you somehow feel it is... Troubled people who cannot enjoy/care for a small child at some point...

"these are children who honestly do need homes"... only foster kids need homes?

And before someone attacks me again, I'm just asking for your opinion. If my questions bother you, just tell me and I quit, ok?
(BTW, I'm from Spain, my English may be funny sometimes)


Ungrateful Little Bastard May 30, 2008 at 6:50 AM  

But Nuri, all children believe the world revolves around them. If something isn't right, they think it's their fault.

And while foster care does need serious reform as well, these are children whose parent's parental rights have been terminated, and they are in need of homes. There's not the shadow of the industry convincing pregnant women they can't parent or concerns of dubious baby brokers and illegally obtained children that exist in international adoption.

It's not that your questions bother me, but it's gone off track of the original intention of the post, which is this: if my parents could have had their own child, they would not have known me. The fact that they fell in love with me afterwards is a totally moot point. And I'm not going to debate this truth any further in comments here.

Anonymous,  May 30, 2008 at 3:27 PM  

Ok, sorry. What you explain about industry convincing pregnant women they can't parent sounds scary...
It's really different over here (spain). All adoption agencies, to my knowledge, have to work through the government and must be non profit.

I won't change the subject of your posts again!! ;-)

Anonymous,  July 3, 2008 at 9:21 AM  

Too much I want to say, so I made a post at my own blog about your entry here, which I really appreciate and thank you so much for writing it! I couldn't have said it better myself either! :)

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