Friday, May 09, 2008

Silence broken

Paraphrasing here....

Dude, I can't believe you looked for me for so long. I wouldn't have done that. Oh and you know I have adopling nieces and nephews and they're all like "yo I'd never search, my adoptive parents are my real parents" the way it should be.

Here's the medical info on your grandparents I didn't know you already knew. Note that I'm totally ignoring your question about the birth certificate. I'm also ignoring the pictures and won't send any back in return. I now know what you look like but you can't know what I look like.

Don't even think of calling one of my sisters because they don't know about you. My dead parents wanted it that way and I'm honoring wishes that dead people made. I'm a saint, you know.

I had the choice to keep you or to have an abortion but I did the right thing and gave you away to strangers. I prayed about it a lot though, so again with that saint business.

Don't write again. I've got a full life and no room for you and you'd like totally upset my family and my real kids. But you know I always thought about you and will always think about you and pray for you. Pray for me too, especially that I be canonized for what a saint I am.

I know I'm being uncharitable but it's my blog so I'm allowed to be. The actual letter was either nicer than that, or more dismissive than that. I can't decide yet the real tone.

It's better than silence though, it sucks, it hurts, but god it is so much better than silence.

36 complaints from ingrates:

Anonymous,  May 9, 2008 at 7:54 AM  

I have no words. Just hugs and hope that things will change. (And a bit of anger that you should comletely disregard her wishes and do what you want and communicate with whomever you want but hey, thats me)

Anonymous,  May 9, 2008 at 8:38 AM  

Like Suz wrote, I hope that someday things will change and she will understand.


Anonymous,  May 9, 2008 at 9:07 AM  


Every time an adoptee (let alone one of my favorites, like you) gets a letter like this, I want to break things. I get angry. Then I get sad. And then I get a weird mix of over-protective, angry and sad. It's strange.

I'm so sorry. I feel like the other but especially like Suz in the fact that, hi, you're a human adult and free to contact whomever you darn well please.


Anonymous,  May 9, 2008 at 9:52 AM  

Suck though it does, it IS better than silence. A little.
Being a stickler for the truth, I think I would send one more letter explaining your right to contact anyone you desire and your intention to do just that on or after (date). And if the date passes with no word, I would DO IT.
But that’s just the kind of jerk I am. Tomorrow, my bastard half-sister and I are going to meet our real-kid brother whether he likes it or not. We are the truth, we are reality, and he’d better get used to it.
Hugs to you, Theresa. You deserve better.

Anonymous,  May 9, 2008 at 10:08 AM  

Uncharitable? I think not. You are far from it!!!!!

I am livid and yet relieved all at the same time. Relieved that you finally got word and livid at her strikingly familiar response. Fu*# they could be sisters. Which would actually be kind of cool because that would mean we were related.

When you're ready I'm here. Holding you in my thoughts today. ((((T))))

Anonymous,  May 9, 2008 at 10:26 AM  

Mad for you, sad for you, all of the above. Yet I know, as you say, it's better than silence. But sheesh, you deserve so much better than that.

I wish I could give you a huge hug in person. Know that I love you, Theresa, you're the best. She's so missing out, she really is.

~ Judy

Anonymous,  May 9, 2008 at 11:23 AM  


I don't think you are being uncharitable.

She doesn't know how lucky she is that her daughter wants to know her. A lot of mothers would give their right arm to have contact.

Take care - Cathy

Anonymous,  May 9, 2008 at 11:26 AM  

I don't know the right words...just that I'm so sorry this is happening. (((hugs)))

Anonymous,  May 9, 2008 at 11:26 AM  

Praying this is just the first of some baby steps she has to take to be ready to know you and allow you to know her.

I am glad she responded--now she can no longer pull that "she moved away" crap :) She has acknlowleded you as a real person and herself as your mother. she can't take it back even if she tries :)

I wish you peace over all this.

Erin May 9, 2008 at 1:58 PM  

oh T

I'm sorry. I'm glad that you at least got a response, but so so sorry that she is in that place.

(((hugs))) praying for you and for her

h2o girl May 9, 2008 at 2:31 PM  

I'm so sorry, Theresa. She seems to still be in so much pain about you. I wish she would realize that meeting you and finding out how fantastic you are would alleviate that.

Heather May 9, 2008 at 5:18 PM  

To wait so long for a response, then have it be this...ugh. I'm sorry.

Like others said, I hope things change in the future. You deserve so much better than this.

FauxClaud May 9, 2008 at 7:53 PM  

Oh T.. that's just sucky sucky sucky..I am so sorry.

I understand the reasoning, I understand the fear, I know the mentality, but I can't defend. I would rather just bitch slap some sense...

It's such a continuation of the loss for you both...

abebech May 9, 2008 at 9:16 PM  

Theresa, that does suck. Your siblings ought to have a chance to know you (which I know is not always easy and often unhappy at first) even if she doesn't want to (in which case she's missing out) and her nieces and nephews ought to have the chance to know you (when they need somebody who gets it).

Third Mom May 9, 2008 at 9:59 PM  

Oh, Theresa, I'm so sorry, so very sorry. But do not give up, just don't give up. You've gone too far.

Ungrateful Little Bastard May 9, 2008 at 11:13 PM  

Thank you so much. You mean the world to me, and that's the truth.

Mara May 9, 2008 at 11:35 PM  


I a fellow bastard who was dealt the silence card, I'm not sure what is worse...

All I know is that the letter is a tragedy for both of you. You know I'm not the religious type, but I pray to God she comes to your senses because she doesn't know what she's missing.

Hugs and strength to you, T.


Possum May 12, 2008 at 8:27 PM  

Poss. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Carbuckle May 13, 2008 at 11:33 AM  

Wowsers! This must have knocked you completly on your ass. I cannot believe how deep the denial goes for some people.

Deep down I believe that adoption is not natural or a simple 'choice' I think as woman we know this on a primal level.

Maybe being a saint helps her on some level.

She really doesnt know how very lucky she is to know you. You must be so pissed.I dont care what era you came from - I cant see a mother acting this way under any circumstances.You can only blame the era for so much.It is 2008 after all.


I Am Woody May 27, 2008 at 2:50 PM  

I am so sorry about your sad ending. And I don't think I can say anything that will make it hurt any less. Just know that I (a fellow adoptee) is thinking of you!

Anonymous,  June 4, 2008 at 1:16 AM  

my birth mother told me that my birth father was none of my business! My questions were interfering with her private life.

I hurt for you.


Anonymous,  June 25, 2008 at 9:48 AM  

i just happened on to your blog. I'm so sorry about the 'rejectio' letter. I lost my daughter to adoption in 1970. For 35 years i was so buried in shame i couldn't speak of it. shame and terror. 10 yrs ago a social worker called and asked me for contact. i couldn't do it. i thought i'd project my shame on to her, and tho i longed to know her, i was too afraid, and too much in denial - to others- that this had happened. 10 yrs later, she called me herself. i was shocked, but in the interim i had done alot of reading, and i was home alone, and i was so incredibly relieved, sad and exhilarated, thrilled and grief stricken all in one. 2 years of therpay medication and intensive hellp over the internet ( a group of mothers) and i am becoming a whole person. my daughter and i met a few months after contact, and have visited some. she lives far away. i am madly in love with her. we write and talk ALOT ALOT about my loss of her, she's v.v. patient, it was so difficult to tell others about her, but i did and i think if you live in shame and secrecy and silence, like we did, it's v. hard to dig out into the light. I ache for each and every adoptee who is denied access. I think mothers can be so closed off cuz to deal with their pain feels like they will die. so they lash out atthe only person who really 'knows' -the child. it's sick. i'm sorry. but i will tell you, that tho i couldn't face my daughter- or rather society- i loved her so much - it was PTSD and fear and terror and mental illness that kept me silenced and closed. now i never shut up. good luck. i'm sticking with the idea that your mother died when she lost you and she hasn't figured out how to resurrect herself. For her, I send you a heart full of love and hope.

Anonymous,  July 2, 2008 at 5:32 AM  

Hi Theresa,

I hope you do find one of your bio-mum's sisters. Maybe they'll make up for what an enormous bitch she's been to you. Her supposed need for "privacy" and to be "left alone" does not give her license to be so nasty to you. We all know the need for a connection with our roots. If she can't be the one - maybe someone else in her kin will.

Anonymous,  July 3, 2008 at 8:01 AM  


I am not going to make excuses about her that "she's not in the right place" or "she's obviously in pain about you". Fact is, she's obviously a self-centered person who has moments of projecting her anger about her life's circumstances onto you. Not only is she a saint, but she's in control of the information you get, and she likes it that way. Pictures would be a simple thing, so important to adopted people, so I choose to withhold that from you just to rub that fact in.

She also likes to judge you. Question why anyone in their right mind would search, because the superior human beings IN HER LIFE would never have done such a scandalous thing, therefore your feelings are invalid.

I like the part about how you writing again would upset her family. (It wouldn't be the fact she lied all along - it would be YOUR fault people would be hurt.)

Oh, and you owe her big time because she didn't abort you. (I'm sure she doesn't see herself as owing HER mother anything for giving birth to HER.)

Oy vey.

Lorraine Dusky July 31, 2008 at 10:07 PM  

Oh, hugs. I am a natural mother and I just started my own blog (Firstmother Forum) so I am doing a bit of digging and came upon yours because the title is so intriguing. I searched for my daughter and--well, until she committed suicide last December, we had mostly a good relationship. Mothers like the one you apparently have make me crazy. I can not understand them.

Gaia August 6, 2008 at 2:28 AM  

Reading this makes my heart ache.
I'm sorry this is what you got. You certainly do deserve better.

Holly August 26, 2008 at 8:27 PM  

Oh geesh.
I hurt just to read that. Hurt for you. Hurt for me.
I'm sorry :(

Decided to pull out my rejection letter from b-dad. Hadn't read it in over 5 years.
Actually it was his attorney. He didn't have the balls to do it himself.
"Despite the 99.97% result on your DNA testing, any communications with Mr. Ball-less must go through me."

Hugs to you. That's all I have.

Nancy September 15, 2008 at 12:38 PM  

As upsetting as it is for you, it's time to realize that your wants are not her wants. I can't imagine how difficult this journey has been for you, I really can't. "It sucks" is putting it too mildly. Unfortunately we can not force others to see the world our way or abandon their own wishes for our own. I don't know her story or her reasons for denying contact. Perhaps it's too painful, perhaps she's too ashamed of her years of silence, perhaps she's just a really awful person. Maybe you lucked out by NOT knowing her. I don't mean my comments to be disrespectful in any way - but you are obviously an intelligent, talented, and determined young woman. Use all of that to pursue joy as much as you've used it to pursue this quest. You deserve happiness. You can have it without her. I wish you a peaceful and contented heart. And I kind of hope that she gets scabies or something. : )

missingpiece October 31, 2008 at 12:36 PM  

i'm new to your blog... just wanted to say i am an adoptee who was rejected (twice) by my birth mother. i keep thinking i will get over it and let it go, but. when? i'm not sure i can.

Unknown December 27, 2008 at 5:50 PM  

I've created an online petition demanding that all sealed original birth certificates be released to all adoptees in the United States:

With this release, so will be the release of the 'bastard' stigma and the shame people try to attach to adoptees.

I'm not ashamed that I'm adopted! I deserve the same civil rights as non-adoptees. I should be able to go to the vital records department and purchase a certified copy of my birth certificate. My heritage is mine! It's not criminal or shameful. It's MINE!

Please sign the petition if you agree with me.

A proud bastard,

Ungrateful Little Bastard December 28, 2008 at 5:20 AM  

Mara what state are you in? Are there any groups working towards legislative reform where you are?

Lynn January 13, 2009 at 8:53 PM  

Wow . . .it sounds like your birthmom is a valley girl . . .but i understand trying to bring in humor to a very devastating blow. I'm sorry Ungrateful . . .you didn't deserve this but it's not over till the fat lady sings. Now that she has resopnded, you have the right to send her anything your heart desires . . sure she could send it back, but i doubt she would. In time, i hope you work up the courage to contact your sibs . . .she doesn't have the right to ask you not to tell her sisters. Just because she deems you a secret doesn't mean you have to comply with her wishes. But her attitude is very hard to digest . . i'm very sorry this is what you got at the end of your search.

Unknown February 21, 2009 at 11:16 PM  

WOW I can seem to get "my real kids" out of my head. Since when are we not real? Well we have no rights so I guess that makes us not real in the eyes of the law. Geez don't get me started. I am so sorry.....

another adoptee June 18, 2009 at 8:37 PM  

Theresa, I am also new to your blog over the past few days, i actually have not closed it so i dont loose my spot. I am internet reunion for 2 months. And i can not imagine ever receiving a letter such as that, even if you paraphrase it. how heartbreaking, but I wrote my first letter and heard nothing and it was my fear that was going to be a response or nothing. Until i got my reply which was not that.
Even in reunion and all the discovery i have made.. i know that i am sick of being adopted and sometimes i wish i was just born a normal kid to a birth family so i could know what its like to be normal? LOL

Unknown June 21, 2009 at 4:03 PM  

She doesn't deserve to have been contacted by you. I would give my right arm to have my son contact me. Maybe he will, when he is ready.

Ungrateful Little Bastard June 21, 2009 at 4:13 PM  

Thank you everyone. The fact that I still get comments on this old post means the world to me. Even over one year later, I remain as confused as the day I got that letter.

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