Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Emotional Cost Analysis

I'm so pathetic

The saddest thing is, this is no joke.

I actually did sit down and do this for real.

As a member of the Twice Rejected Club (TRC), you tend to weigh out your odds of going through it again very, very carefully.

As my sister lives with my mom, she I figure has the greatest chance to know about me. If she's a snooper and if mom didn't throw away my letter, then she could have found out. But knowing about me is a bad thing, because if she knew about me but didn't contact me, whoa that would suck.

Since I've got cousins who were adopted, chances are pretty high everyone in the family thinks adoption is all peaches and cream. I gave the members of my generation a better score, but not by much. Thinking adoption is all that and then some is not a good candidate.

Chances they are mom's aforementioned happy happy hip hip happy hurray nonsearching adoptive nieces and nephews also raises the rejection bar.

As does the possibility that one may be an adoptive parent, who if contacted by a wayward searching bastard secret, may freak out.

I don't like overly sanctimonious catholics, having grown up in a family of overly sanctimonious catholics. Finding my own mother to be an overly sanctimonious catholic was a drag, therefore overly sanctimonious catholicism is a bad deal.

Geographic closeness to mom is a no-no. If you've got family that still live in the same place they were born, and the entire family all lives within a 5 block radius, and no one has ever moved away from said 5 block radius, then you know what I'm talking about. Especially if said 5 block radius is populated by overly sanctimonious catholics

I'm making tons o'assumptions here, but when you're adopted, assumptions are all you got.

So weighing this all out, it appears the aunt I found on Facebook has high odds of being a rejector.

The best bet by my calculations still seems to be my brother.


6 complaints from ingrates:

Lorraine Dusky September 24, 2008 at 8:39 PM  

No Ingrate here, but you do continue to amaze me. As a first mother, I'd be proud to have someone with the chutzpah and humor and brains that you a daughter. Your first mother has no idea what she is missing.

and I dig your blog. There is so much I can't figure out yet.

luv across the blogosphere..

Unknown September 25, 2008 at 11:31 AM  

I would vote no on both siblings, because I think that is probably what your mother is afraid of most, what her other children will think about her abandoning a child.

And sibling relationships are so dependent on how the parents handle it, all of mine did anyway.

I also fell into that, my nfather is estranged from most of his family, and although they are my family to, I never even met most of my aunts, and only met my ngrandmother briefly during a respite of the alienation between her and my father, I don't even know her name, I recently realized, so even though they are my family too, the link is through him, I let it go.

I would vote for the aunts more because of that reason. Someone that was more of a peer, that could be more comforting.

anyway take that advice for what you paid for it. xoxoxoxoxoxo

Triona Guidry September 25, 2008 at 4:52 PM  

Just reading posts from a fellow member of the Twice Rejected Club makes me feel better.

I keep wondering if I have siblings. The CI program never really answered the question, and neither did my mom before she cut off contact. If I do have them, I would imagine my contacting them is one of her biggest fears. Of course on my father's side, he doesn't know I exist so those siblings (if they exist) probably don't either. I've got one aunt who knows and as far as I'm aware, that's it.

As for weighing the odds, in the TRC I suspect we all go through that daily round of, "What did I say wrong? What should I have done differently?"

Crap, indeed.

Anonymous,  September 26, 2008 at 11:32 AM  

Turns out my bfamily were also sanctimonious Catholics of the Chicago persuasion. I to was twice rejected and then thrice by my bmoms sister who tore me a new one for even having the audacity to try to reconnect with my b family.
By the way I am also a 1963 model with a Catholic DNA but Jewish upbringing, so understanding the whole Catholic thing was new to me.
Must say that even though both my a parents have passed away no one in my afamily ,including my brother who was also adopted, can understand why I would even want to search.

Third Mom September 26, 2008 at 2:41 PM  

In the case of our one child whose family we have found but whose mother won't meet us, I think the siblings are a catch-22: They are what is preventing mother from moving forward, but I also believe they hold the most hope for reunion.

I hope that's the case, though, but only time will tell, presuming our child (being circumspect about which one here) continues the search someday.


Ungrateful Little Bastard September 26, 2008 at 7:16 PM  

Thanks everyone. Blah this all sucks, doesn't it?

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