Thursday, March 12, 2009

My Friend Celeste Says:

From her post NonMom:

I have never met a mother who doesn't want to reunite with her child .... I only know the many who never stopped loving the son or daughter their parents forced them to surrender to secretive, closed adoptions. Nor, have I met adoptees who don't want to reunite with their mothers. I have met mothers and adoptees whose reunions were not successful or are stagnate. I know the many younger mothers, today, suckered into "open adoption" arrangements that work ONLY so long as they stay on the good side of the adoptive mothers.

That said, I welcome hearing from mothers who don't want to reunite with their children, adoptees who don't want to reunite with their mothers, moms and adoptees who have broken off contact, and from young moms happy in open adoptions. Email me, please, at

I'd be rather interested in hearing what they say too.

Because to me, rejection is incomprehensible.

And above all, humiliating.

7 complaints from ingrates:

Suz Bednarz March 12, 2009 at 9:33 AM  

rejection is incomprehensible.

And above all, humiliating.

Agreed. I dont understand either.

Mia March 12, 2009 at 11:15 AM  

And devastating beyond what mere words could ever convey.

the people March 13, 2009 at 7:38 PM  

I'm new to this side of the adoption issue (not adopted, never had a kid), but I've been checking out your blog for a few months and I'm interested in it. Frankly, the only way I'd have a child and then not want it to the extent that I'd put it up for adoption is if I didn't want a kid and it was somehow too late for an adoption, which I don't think is too likely a scenario.

If that happened, though, I don't think I'd feel much attachment to the kid, or any particular desire to become part of it's life. I'm kind of a low attachment person. I'd want it to have a family that can care for it, which (if I gave it up) I probably couldn't.

That said, if this child's happiness and sense of self-worth hinges on me being a part of its life, I think I'd do my best to fill that role and cultivate a relationship with the child. I'd probably want to do that for any child, but most kids don't need ME in particular like this kid might.

I know I'm not into the whole essentialization of biological family, but my kid might be, and I feel like I'd want to be understanding of that and try to accommodate it. I might not be able to give the kid a reassuring narrative like "I've been looking for you for 30 years!" but at least I could explain what was involved in my decision and try as best I can to supply what the kid needs, info-wise and relationship-wise from me.

It's just so rare that someone needs something from ME and ME ONLY, you know? I think I'd feel bad if I knew I was the only one who could make a difference to someone and I didn't come through for them.

However, I do think that there are women out there who couldn't do what I hope I'd do in that situation. I guess I don't really fault them for that. But like that quote you put, I think lots of women really wanted their kids and although it would be very hard or even impossible to establish a new relationship with them, they would be willing to try...

I dunno, complicated stuff. Your blog makes me think a lot!

legitimatebastard March 14, 2009 at 12:22 PM  

To Melissa,

That's one reason we write these blogs - to make non-adoptees and non-mothers-of-adoption-loss THINK. Thinking is good; thinking creates change. Change is what we need.

I, to, Thank you, Ungrateful Little Bastard. Your blog attracted me for a long time. Great language use. And images. Tremendous thought and personal reflection. You are one sharp bastard!

To address this post's intention...why don't you send this over to NCFA? They seem to have a million "birth" mothers who don't want to know, to be reunited with, to give answers to, their own offspring! Let them come forward! Say their peace! Come one! I want to hear their words, too! If they are out there, speak up!

Ungrateful Little Bastard March 14, 2009 at 12:26 PM  

Thank you so much.

The NCFA will say, oh, but our cowering frightened b*rthmothers, hiding in fear behind locked doors, won't talk to anyone, that's why we, the NCFA, must speak for them.

Lorraine Dusky March 14, 2009 at 7:52 PM  

NOT COMPLAINING,just agreeing with you dear ingrate...BUT IT also sucked when my daughter, after a decade of a relationship wuld walk about and act... like, I"m oUtta here, over NOTHING.And then tell me that she did not have issues about being adopted.

lorraine from

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