Thursday, February 11, 2010

Partners of Adoptees

Sooo.... almost a month without a post.

Wow. Time flies when you're having fun.

Anyway, here's a brief update before I get to the purpose of posting. Me - nothing yet, although I've had some interesting interviews and I'm loving the transitional services professional counseling program thingy that I got as a termination benefit. As an added bonus it appears I got some type of "don't hate us for dumping you, we're giving you the red carpet treatment" package that some of my fellow unemployeds don't seem to have. Now doesn't that make me feel so special? But it's working, because after my first resume makeover, I immediately started getting callbacks.

The thing about being unemployed is, damn it's hard work. I was talking with a very good friend (and keep this very good friend phrase in mind, because she features highly in upcoming paragraphs and the title of this blog post. Stay tuned.) about this, as she went through a period of unemployment herself a number of years ago. Just sending out four resumes in a day is, like, almost a full day's work, by the time I'm finished outright lieing tweaking my resume exaggerating my accomplishments matching my impressive skill set to the job specifications.

And it's brutal out there, I tell you. One of my fellow unemployeds was saying he just had his 13th interview with the same company, and they are getting ready to schedule the 14th. No lie. The fact that they need 14 interviews to make a decision shows how badly organized this company is and could really use a project manager to, say, streamline their hiring process at a minimum, perhaps?

In somewhat better news, Dr. Ungrateful has left the ranks of the unemployed and begins work March 1st on his maiden voyage into uncharted territory for him - a college professor appointment. Wish him luck although he doesn't need it because he's brilliant and all that, but it is a new career path for him so he's feeling all vulnerable and shit although I'm not supposed to be able to tell that.

But, but, but, Theresa, I hear you saying, why is this only "somewhat better news"? I'll tell you, constant reader, it's because this position is in a fucking other state. And not even one that touches New York. And not even one that touches a state that touches New York. And not even one that touches a state that touches a state that touches New York either. So, with the added expense of maintaining two households, flights to visit each other are going to be few and far between. Now he's still looking  and will continue to look for a contract in New York for when this appointment ends so he will be coming back, but that doesn't improve my mood one bit.

See, the thing about bastids like me is, we just can't stand it when partners leave us for any reason whatsoever. Now, if I have to leave, like traveling for work during my last job, or say, spending a week in Louisville or Philadelphia for an adoptee rights demonstration, well, that's OK. But not the other way around. Hypocritical? Yes but so the fuck what? When the first love of your life abandons you in a hospital nursery, you're allowed a certain leeway in regards to a somewhat, shall we say, overreaction and over sensitivity to being left. 


Stony faced silence and slight dissociation during any talk of relocation? Check

Sudden unavailability to help with any type of packing? Check.

Too emotional to help pick out an apartment? Check.

Imagining the same disaster scenarios from when he left for his family reunion in 2007? Check.

Now he's taking it all in stride because he's all empathetic and cool like that, but I know that being married to an adoptee or being the partner of an adoptee can sometimes be drag for real kids who never knew what it was like to be left by the one person who is supposed to love you above everything else. And I'd be lieing if I said we haven't had our own tough times with this.

Remember this blog?   I always wonder what happened to her. I think about her sometimes; she seemed like a really nice person.

And look at this nice person over at Yahoo Answers. She finds her fiance's mother but can't understand why he won't bring her to the reunion.

Real kid partners have nothing to prepare them for the way adoption can overtake a relationship. They probably never even thought anything about adoption, and if it came up it was in the pretense of  adoption was all sunshine and rainbows and oh, maybe it will be a little sad but you can always go on TV and have a reunion and everybody lives happily ever after.

TV reunions don't show when your mother rejects you, or keeps you a secret, or writes you a letter saying what she sent all "her grandkids" for xmas, and your kid didn't even get a card from her. TV reunions don't show the fact that an adoptee may even get a reunion, isn't a secret, and mom considers your kids her grandkids too, but the adoptee is still treated like shit by the state they were born in, and can't get their birth certificate. TV reunions don't show that adoption can really suck the life out of a person and push a relationship into low priority.

This brings me back to that very good friend I mentioned a few paragraphs ago. She's a cool real kid I met at the Philadelphia Adoptee Rights Demonstration who is in the ranks of the adoption collateral damage known as married to an adoptee. And she's awesome and amazing. I've been around long enough to hear stories of partners of adoptees who can be real selfish douchebags when it comes to a de-fogged adoptee's sudden preoccupation with all things adoption, but, on the other hand, I've also seen partners who really step up and are wonderful. She's all that and then some. She's front and center when it comes to adoptee rights and when she sees a need for something, she doesn't wait for someone else to do it. 

So, seeing that there wasn't any type of online support for anyone who was married to an adoptee, or the partner of an adoptee, she made her own group. It's brand  spanking new and she's still setting it up, but I'd be quite grateful if you could spread the word about it and share the link to the group around in all the usual places

I hope to be blogging again on a somewhat regular basis or a reasonable facsimile thereof sometime soon. Hold a good though, but I must go now. I've wasted enough time blogging this morning, and Dr. Ungrateful wants me to look at pictures of his new apartment, but I've suddenly found a million things around the house that need my attention.....

14 complaints from ingrates:

Suz Bednarz February 11, 2010 at 12:54 PM  

Awesome on that group. I would love to see others sprout up as well. So much research needs to be done. These collateral damage folks need support too. My fiance and I have spoken about this at length. Where do they go? How does a sibling (like my son) who has a sister that was surrendered to adoption that doesnt want anything to do with him understand that? How does he process it? Who can he talk to? How about those lovely barfmothers like me who get divorced because their husbands CANNOT DEAL WITH ALL THAT ADOPTION CRAP.

So much work. So happy to see you and your friends doing that for Partners of Adoptees. If I ever get time on my hands, I might ask my fiance to do something similar for partners of first/birth/barf/ mothers like me.

Hugs to you and your decisions. Hope you are well. So glad to see you writing again.

Mary A. February 11, 2010 at 1:48 PM  

Fuzzy Oranges, do you think that a group that was set up primarily for partners of adoptees could serve by being open to partners of first parents as well? I am the person who set up the Yahoo group for partners of adoptees. I wonder if learning about others' experiences might be more beneficial than keeping it exclusively for partners of adoptees. Open to suggestions!

Suz Bednarz February 11, 2010 at 3:47 PM  

Crap. That google id is old of mine. Fuzzy oranges is me, Suz of writingmywrongs dot com. Sorry about the beezar ID. I am not one to hide my identity (the government and agencies did that well enough for me).

ULB - Maybe you knew that. Just wanted to clarify.

To Mary A - I am not sure I have an answer. Where normally I think there is benefit to keeping groups separate, I believe those that are collateral damaged have a different kind of damage than mothers/adoptees. They might be able to bond/support each other.

My fiance would likely be more than willing to be part of a trial if you are interested. He would also understand if he is asked to leave because he is the partner of a birthmother versus the partner of an adoptee. He is an incredibly understanding guy. Just let me know if you want another subject.

You can reach me at suz at suzbednarz dot com.

Samantha Franklin February 11, 2010 at 4:38 PM  

Theresa, I love your new blog look and especially the line "disrupting lives since 1963". That is classic!!!
I wish you were moving to OK! But maybe you'll be closer?
I totally relate to everything you wrote about trying to handle the adoptee feelings while also being in a relationship. It is hard work. I hope all goes well with this transition and it turns out better than before and great!

Ungrateful Little Bastard February 11, 2010 at 8:42 PM  

@Peach, when OK was in the running, the one thing that kept me going was the fact that I'd be in the same state as you, and that's no lie. I'm staying here in NY as it's only a year appointment for him, so there's no way I'm uprooting for that. And thanks about the template. I do love the drowning girl, but I felt it was time for a change

@Suz & Mary - Suz I *thought* it was you; I think you had been stuck with a fuzzy oranges cookie once before when commenting.

As far as having partners of first parents, I honestly don't know. My first thought is to say I think it would be good to have it open to both groups, and I can't think of a reason why it shouldn't be, but I'm not collateral so I can't really speak with any authority.

Lori A February 11, 2010 at 8:55 PM  

I'd say "I" posted a link to our blog about the new group, but if I did it would be a lie. Anyone who knows me know's I am computer illiterate. So a link HAS been posted to our blog, but it wasn't me who did it. I did give a shout out about it though. lol

Suz Bednarz February 12, 2010 at 12:01 PM  

ULB - Yup. That is me. I dont know how to get rid of it. Must investigate. Funny thing is, Fuzzy Oranges is reference to the maternity home I stayed in.

elizabeth February 14, 2010 at 2:28 AM  

I hope you find a job soon so you can get back to regular blogging!

phil February 17, 2010 at 11:18 AM  

I'm sorry to hear about your time apart. I can imagine how rough that will be.

Oddly enough, I have less trouble with people leaving me than with me leaving them. I freak out when I'm leaving: I worry I'm devastating them. When they leave, though, it's like it's no big deal.

What strange defense mechanisms we can construct.

I do feel badly for your situation. May you find a job quickly and may he return even quicker.

As for the group, it sounds like a wonderful idea. I'd tell Ronni, but she doesn't seem to be interested in getting into any social activities online. Still, I hope it will be helpful for others.

Katherine S. February 19, 2010 at 12:08 AM  

I read your post and wondered if my ex- would have ever considered joining a support group--ah well, too late now. Maybe, in the future it will come in handy. :)

I hope it's okay that I've added you to my bloglist.

Solim at

Ungrateful Little Bastard February 22, 2010 at 2:31 PM  

@Solim - thanks! I've added you back

And thanks Phil and E, both joblessness and separation suck :(

Judy February 25, 2010 at 11:35 AM  

Just want to say that I <3 you, Theresa. I hope your time without Dr. Ungrateful is brief.

Ungrateful Little Bastard February 26, 2010 at 1:42 PM  

I <3 you back!!

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